Billie Eilish Reveals She Contemplated Suicide In A Berlin Hotel Room

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Billie Eilish is an 18-year-old changing lives. Her stans, called “Avocados,” praise her every move, she’s nominated for six Grammys including Best New Artist, and she’s quickly amassed almost 50 million Instagram followers. She’s collaborated with her tween idol, Justin Bieber, and doesn’t seem to have a single enemy in Hollywood. But now, the “Bad Guy” singer is opening up about the dark side of fame, and one of the saddest and scariest moments of her career — contemplating suicide at 16 while on tour in Berlin.

“I was so unhappy last year. I was so unhappy and I was so joyless,” she told Gayle King during the TV host’s GRAMMY special.

She continued, “I don’t want to be too dark but I genuinely didn’t think I would make it to 17.” When asked by Gayle if she thought she’d do something to herself, she said, “yeah.”

“I think about this one time I was in Berlin and I was alone in my hotel. I remember there was a window right there, and I — I remember crying because I was thinking about how the way I was gonna die was I was gonna do it,” she told Gayle. She’s speaking about her 2018 Where Is My Mind Tour, which took her from London to Salt Lake City in under two months, making 26 stops on the way. Berlin was her seventh stop and the show was on February 26, 2018.

When asked why she didn’t decide to take her own life, she simply said, “my mom.”

Some of Billie’s lyrics can be dark. In her song, “Bury A Friend” she sings lines like “I wanna end me,” and “Honestly, I thought that I would be dead by now.” But elsewhere during the special, Billie talks about urging her fans not to go to that dark mental place that she did. When she sees Avocados with cuts on their arms, she said, “I just grab them by the shoulders and I’m like, ‘Please take care of yourself and be good to yourself and be nice to yourself.'”

While Billie’s working on her depression, her music still has an undeniably dark aspect to it. Her newest single, “everything i wanted,” released a music video that shows her and her brother, Finneas O’Connell, driving a car underwater while they’re still in it. The last frame shows them in the sunken car.

The darkness is what attracts fans and makes her music so relatable, but hopefully, her music doesn’t keep her in a dangerous mindset. From what it seems, Billie seems to be doing well right now.

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