Chris Pratt’s Engagement Proves That Men Who Glow Up Can’t Be Trusted

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I literally said this last week in my Bachelor recap and I’ll say it again: Chris Pratt is a prime example that men who glow up can’t be trusted. Chris’s engagement to his rebound, Katherine Schwarzenegger, just proves that I’m infallibly right about everything all the time.

Don’t get it twisted: absolutely no disrespect to Katherine, who I personally think is probably pregnant, but way to get that ring, girl! Katherine is beautiful and her father could probably send me to jail for life for treason if I say anything negative about her, but this is a safe space for women. My issue is with Chris Pratt, who left Anna Faris in an ~amicable divorce~ because he didn’t want more kids.

This is a classic tale of a guy being the reacher, marrying a super hot chick, and seeming like Husband Goals until he finally hits second puberty and has an opportunity to act like a d*ckhead. Just because Anna is an amazing human being and friend who congratulated the couple on their engagement in the comments section of Chris’s Insta post like a goddamn adult doesn’t mean I can’t be upset at how the formerly #CoupleGoals relationship ended up. Anna has been super chill about her divorce in the press, but as the host of a podcast for relationship advice, some light has been shed on her situation that honestly doesn’t make Chris look too great.

“Life is too short to be in relationships where you feel this isn’t fully right or somebody doesn’t have your back, or somebody doesn’t fully value you,” Anna said during her podcast after the separation was announced in August 2017. “Don’t be afraid to feel your independence if things aren’t right.”

Some of Anna’s pieces of advice from Anna Faris is Unqualified, a TMZ story that claimed Anna and Chris broke up because she wanted more kids and he didn’t want to have to slow down his movie career, and Anna’s comments to the New York Times characterizing the breakup as “two incredibly busy people that care a lot for each other got really busy” paint a portrait of their relationship that makes Chris’s new engagement super hypocritical and depressing.

Some of us may be too young to remember when Anna looked like she was going to become the next big hot female comedian movie star with The House Bunny, Just Friends, and What’s Your Number? (which, I will admit, is legitimately my favorite movie) after her Scary Movie success. Anna gave birth to Chris’s son, Jack, in 2012 and didn’t do another live-action leading movie role until 2018. Instead, she took a role on a (really great!) sitcom, Mom, and focused on her family because that was the plan. Meanwhile, Chris got hot for Guardians Of The Galaxy around that same time in 2013 and started taking blockbuster movie roles he must have never thought were accessible to him when he first met Anna in 2007 and played the lovable, goofy Andy Dwyer on Parks And Recreation in 2009.

Chris became the lead of the renewed Jurrasic Park franchise and a Marvel superhero, and suddenly the reacher became the settler. Anna reportedly wanted more kids while Chris didn’t want to balance a growing family with his burgeoning movie career which constantly took him away from home. When Anna was given the opportunity to be a movie star, she chose family and a different type of success. When Chris was given that same choice, he chose himself. Now that he’s choosing to marry Katherine, who is thirteen years younger than Anna, he’s either got a trophy wife (even though she’s brilliant and accomplished, as well, in addition to being super hot) or a shotgun marriage, spitting in the face of the goals that he chose over his relationship with Anna and doing so only a few months after their divorce was finalized in October 2018.

I don’t know Anna and Chris, and the only people that can truly know the nuances of their relationship are themselves. I could be totally off base. But the evidence shows that Chris’s glow up completely changed his priorities, which is a nationwide (possibly even worldwide) epidemic that isn’t confined to the problems of famous people. Men who glow up this dramatically cannot be trusted. But congrats to the happy couple! Chris Pratt legitimately cannot get any hotter, so hopefully this marriage sticks.

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