Everything We Already Know About Colton’s Bachelorettes (That ABC Won’t Tell You)
ABC has revealed the identities of the 30 women who will be vying for the heart of
a retired virgin Colton Underwood. ABC doesn’t do contestant questionnaires anymore because they love depriving us of joy, so we had to go figure out which of these women were stage-five clingers on our own. We won’t be sharing too many massive elimination spoilers (you can literally find out who the final three contestants are online if you’re boring and hate surprises), but continue at your own risk. Here’s what we found after extensive Google-ing and a few minutes on Reality Steve.
Tracy Shapoff is a thirty-two-year-old wardrobe stylist who hasn’t learned how to set her Twitter to private. Tracy hates fat people, doesn’t believe in reality dating shows, and uses the r-word. Tracy has deleted her offensive tweets, showing she maybe did learn something from watching Garrett Yrigoyen other than how to alienate people using social media, but Reddit got ahold of them first, so they’ll be on the internet forever. Chris Harrison, the heart and soul of this franchise, revealed that Tracy gets into some drama literally on the first night. Knowing ABC, that means she’ll either get eliminated before the rose ceremony or stay until hometowns. Bachelor forums seem to think it’s the former. Her casting also begs the question, what the hell is going on with the background checks for this show? If a bunch of fifteen-year-olds on Reddit could figure out that Tracy is a walking red flag, it’s amazing that ABC ~conveniently~ missed the giant neon sign over her head blinking, “I’m a horrible person!”
Revian Chang, who has the hilariously unfortunate Insta handle @rev_yo_engine works for the cosmetic dermatologist to the Kardashian family, Dr. Simon Ourian, meaning she’s probably the only contestant on the show whose boss has more Instagram followers than she does. Revian is my new idol because, based on her social media, she never wears clothes and is always either at a rave or in Vegas. Revian seems awesome, so Colton will probably be terrified of her and send her home early because he seems like the type of person who hates fun. Revian still hasn’t deleted photos of her ex from July 2017 on Instagram, but that will probably be overshadowed on the show by Tayshia Adams, who got divorced in October 2017. We love a fun new way to rebound.
Annie Reardon is a contestant we’ve know about for a while because she went on Snapchat shortly after her Ellen introduction to say that she dumped Colton “because he’s weird as sh*t,” which we totally believe. Her Insta bio includes a bible verse and a Michael Scott quote, so she’s probably a super boring person. It takes one to know one, I guess.
If Cassie Randolph wins The Bachelor, she’ll have to deal with the fact that her boyfriend is 200% less hot than her sister’s boyfriend, Gregg Sulkin aka the hot werewolf from Wizards of Waverly Place. Can confirm that Gregg, who also happens to be Bella Thorne‘s ex-boyfriend, is still a babe, but since The Bachelor has become a show about hot women settling for mediocre dudes, Cassie probably knew what she was getting into before she applied. Maybe she’s hoping to be her season’s Wells Adams and use the franchise as a way to get an S.O. who’s actually famous.
A lot of these women seem pretty religious, judging only by the fact that we can tell they’re religious based solely on scrubbed social media profiles. Then again, pretty much everyone who’s appeared as a major player in former seasons has also been super religious — ABC just opts not to air those conversations. Hannah Brown, Katie Morton, Annie, Cassie, and Tayshia all love Jesus (and dogs… obvi). There are also too many contestants to list that are already big on social media, so its safe to say half of these women are just here for ‘likes’ and spons and the other half applied because they actually like that Colton is the human equivalent of Wonder Bread.