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Bachelor Premiere Recap: Three Interruptions, Two Virgins, And A Sloth

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ABC

America’s national pastime hasn’t been baseball since the 1950s. It’s all about The Bachelor now. The great equalizer, in which women (and select men) across geographic, political, and socioeconomic lines come together weekly to watch a white man date thirty women at the same time. It’s like real life Tinder, but worse! As a loyal fan of the franchise, I was not excited for this season of The Bachelor. If I wanted to watch a simpy dude worry about his virginity for three months, I would re-watch Drake on Degrassi: The Next Generation.

The episode started off with twenty minutes of filler. If anyone actually wanted to see Chris and Krystal: Narcissists In Love, we would just follow them on Instagram. The Chris Harrison tribute was adorable because we all know that Chris Harrison is the only reason this show is still alive, but at least two of the last three hours of my life were stolen watching a bunch of people in the midwest wait through commercial breaks with Jason and Blake aka the two men who should have *actually* been the Bachelor this year. Why is ABC taunting us with the ghosts of what could have been? Isn’t reminding us that there were better options than Captain No-Underpants a bad move for business?

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No case of “The Monday’s” today…#thebachelor

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The introductions start with Cassie, a surfer who wears an open wetsuit in freezing water while straddling her board to let us know that this season is still all about sex right off the bat. She’s from Huntington Beach, CA, so odds are high that she’s either a racist, rich, or a rich racist. We’re taking bets now. Cassie is also much hotter than 80% of the men in this franchise, reminding us that if this is the best Cassie can do, the rest of us mediocre-looking women are doomed to end up with a Shia LaBeouf impersonator or Bluto from Animal House. Cassie works with children and is a grad student, proving that Elle Woods isn’t the only hot girl who can read.

Then we get to Miss Alabama Roll Tide (Hannah B.), who has absolutely no rhythm but seems nice. We’re excited to see how her feud with Miss North Carolina, Caelynn, shakes out. We’re rooting for Hannah B. because we cannot deal with Caelynn writing “Miss Underwood” on her sash. Is she competing to be his sister? His child? She may be the Miss USA first runner-up, but Mrs. Grammar she is not.

Katie also has no rhythm, which is deeply unfortunate considering she moved to LA to be a dancer. She clearly needs this ring more than the other contestants because her career prospects aren’t looking too hot. Katie basically admitted that she’s into Colton because he’s a rich white man — she likes him for his “green eyes and blonde hair” (the piles of money is implied), and I guess we need to admire her honesty here. Isn’t everyone trying their hand at reality TV love there for looks and money?

The Bachelor producers really outdid themselves here with Heather who is not just a virgin but is also Never Been Kissed Barbie. Sure, they basically found a unicorn in Carlsbad, CA, but the last thing we want is to watch two virgins try to navigate sex on national television. PTSD flashbacks to our own first sexual experiences should be saved for emotional indie dramas and teen soaps. Thank u, next. Contestant Nicole shared in her intro that it’s hard to be single in Miami if you’re attractive. Would it be easier to find a spouse if you’re ugly? Is that the one thing I haven’t tried? Catch me rolling into a bar this Saturday night in my high school sweatpants and messy bun to test this theory, and I’ll get back to you.

Demi looks like one of those robots created solely for Instagram likes, but we’ve gotta say that we kind of love her. She says her mom is in federal prison for embezzlement with the same flippancy as someone reading a weather report, and she’s the only one who isn’t weirdly thrilled about Colton being a virgin. Demi stating that she’s the human equivalent of confetti cake is this year’s “platinum vagine.” She introduces herself to Colton later in the episode by letting him know that she hasn’t dated a virgin since she was twelve. We could all use more BDE (Big Demi Energy) in our lives.

The women’s introductions are interrupted by Colton complaining about being a weird fat kid like that’s some kind of excuse for him leading on Tia in Paradise and crying every fifteen seconds. Although, to be fair, he looked a lot like Chris Pratt pre-glow up in his teens, and when Chris Pratt got hot he dumped Anna Faris for a twenty-eight-year-old. Maybe this is proof that men who glowed-up can’t be trusted.

The limo parade of women starts, and 90% of it seems to be jokes about Colton’s virginity, the one thing these bachelorettes and this year’s Bachelor press seem to have in common. Highlights include Colton not recognizing his own dog in a weird photoshop experiment by Insane Jane (red flags all around, like a Manchester United game), CinderErin slaying in a light blue dress and a carriage, and one girl confusing an apple and a cherry. This year’s dolphin/shark debacle or nah?

Sydney quit her job as an NBA dancer to be on this show, which was definitely a bad call. Even if she wins, it’ll be a bad call. There’s a reason the Kardashians are always going for NBA players, honey. Get that money! I fully thought Cassie had a box of dead butterflies, but it looks like Kendall is still the queen of playing with dead animals around here. Good for her, I guess?

I don’t even want to talk about the sloth. There can only be one Alexis, let it go. #HoopNation forever. Also, if you’re going to dress up like a Furry and risk hat-hair for a joke, you better have some bomb-ass eyelash extensions hiding under there. McNut gave Colton a bag of nuts, clearly missing out on an “I’ll make you McNut” joke, and Bri is an icon who we’ve all already talked about too much anyway. We love liars!

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Surprise 🌹@bachelorabc #bachelor2019

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After the blur of girls desperately trying to stand out finishes, there’s a glimmer of hope for drama when two girls arrive in the same dress. Literally, every girl on this show looks the same, how is Colton expected to tell the difference between them if they’re all in glitter or one shade of red? The girls avoid any actual conflict until Catherine, the overly-Botoxed contestant (sorry, but we know you were thinking it) who looks like she got lost on her way to a Real Housewives reunion, steals Colton a million times and doesn’t realize that acting super desperate is going to make her look super desperate. Onyeka, who we stan, tried to defuse the situation by literally blowing a whistle at Satan Catherine and informing Colton (who she rightfully proclaimed is a snack) that he’s drowning in bitches. When that doesn’t work, Onyeka tries to have a civil conversation with The Devil Catherine where no one cries. It isn’t effective, but Onyeka has made it onto this year’s Nobel Peace Prize Shortlist just for trying. Congratulations, Onyeka.

The first impression rose goes to Hannah G., the girl with the tiny face who Colton clearly thought was gorgeous from the start and who took him through some super cute breathing exercises. Tiny Face will probably be the third runner-up and have a great time on Paradise.

Revian, Alex the Sloth, Devin, CinderErin, Heather, Insane Jane, Laura, and Tahzjuan get sent home. Alex tried to show a personality to compete for the heart of Human Wonder Bread, so it’s unsurprising that she got the ax on night one. I’ve already forgotten who most of these women are TBH, but CinderErin turned into a pumpkin too soon. Colton clearly isn’t a gay man because anyone with a modicum of fashion sense would’ve kept Erin for the dress alone. Most of the episode was filler and I lost three hours of my life, but this season looks surprisingly… good? The season teaser had more sex than 90% of previous seasons’ (probably because they know we know Colton won’t have any type of follow-through). There’s also an amazing sequence of Colton jumping over a fence with his whole body (seriously, just look) and getting lost in the mean streets of Westlake, where the only places he could end up are The Oaks Mall, a DryBar, or the hotel where my high school had our senior prom. Scary, intense stuff coming this season, for sure.

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