Bachelor In Paradise Season 6, Week 5: Ex on the Beach

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If you missed Bachelor In Paradise this week, congratulations. You were spared a lot of crying, but luckily I watched it all for you. Here’s a recap of last week if you missed that. Seriously, do you even watch the show?

Last week we left off in the middle of Clay’s nightmare as his ex Angela steps onto the beach, date card in hand and revenge body on lock. Several people but mostly Tayshia voice their concern that Angela is here to get Clay back. After all, who would come to Paradise to spend their summer with their ex? Well, Dean, Kristina, Caelynn, Demi, Derek, Blake and Hannah G for starters.

Isn’t Kristina ex’s with Dean? Isn’t Demi exes with Derek? Aren’t Kristina and Caelynn “exes” with Blake?? But Angela having dated Clay is what’s setting everyone over the edge this week on Paradise?

Angela pulls Derek first and when asked about Clay says that if he is ready to find love then she has every right to be there too. Equality! Nicole pulls Angela aside in the hopes of addressing the frog puppet in the room. Oh, and everyone is watching from the gazebo, obviously. Nicole tells Angela that she is “boyfriend-girlfriend with Clay” and that she doesn’t expect to have any issues with Angela as long as she doesn’t go after Clay. Angela calms her nerves and the discussion ends amicably. In her talking head, however, Angela shares that Clay never mentioned Nicole at the wedding reception and that feels… messy. Clay’s omission strikes a chord with Tayshia who confronts him. Ultimately Angela chooses to take Mike on the date which feels like a well-deserved upgrade. They get candid about her breakup, the double standard with her and Clay and the two end their night kissing in a rowboat in the rain The Notebook style.

Professional twin Haley has the hots for John Paul Jones. She says he’s the whole package, but it doesn’t seem like JPJ feels the same way. When talking with Mike, JPJ shares that he is set on Tayshia and asks for his discretion since he has yet to tell Haley.

It doesn’t seem like he’ll have to come clean though because Derek takes it upon himself to break the news to Haley. She is completely blindsided, sharing she had no idea there was anything going on between John Paul Jones and Tayshia. Haley needs answers, sharing in her talking head that she doesn’t want to be strung along. “I’m not a backup plan. I am not plan b, b*tch!”

Haley confronts JPJ about her frustrations and while JPJ apologizes, he seems more concerned that it was Derek who told her. He ends the conversation by wishing Haley the best in Paradise and we cut to Haley crying in her talking head.

Later in the evening as Connor and Caelynn suck each other’s faces in the pool, JPJ rambles to Wells about his valiant effort to defend Tayshia from Derek. It’s yet another tirade regarding Derek’s (alleged) creepy comments about hooking up with fans from Instagram. Haley jumps in to highlight that it’s hypocritical to judge Derek for being dishonest if JPJ did the same thing to her. She says that he shouldn’t have told her they had a connection and given her a rose if he didn’t actually intend on pursuing her. Demi and Kristian silently cheer Haley on as she accuses JPJ of keeping this information from her and stringing her along to secure a rose at the rose ceremony. But JPJ just tells Haley that she has a couple of days to figure things out before then in an attempt to get the blame off of him. “You’re a big girl. You can explore your options. Don’t put this on me now,” he says as all of us instantly fall out of love with him.

Haley walks off and decides to vent to Blake. “Why do men think they can treat women like this? Like why do men think they can manipulate women for fun?” I don’t know Haley, but I don’t think you should be asking Blake.

Derek asks to speak to JPJ in yet another attempt to bury the hatchet, but JPJ is just as uncooperative as usual and sidesteps every question Derek poses him and ultimately walks away.
Old Matt Donald and Luke Stone from Hannah Brown’s season arrive in Paradise with two halves of a whole date card Parent Trap style. Luke, who was infamous for his feud with Luke P during Hannah’s season decides to take Kristina on the date. Matt Donald who… well showed up on a tractor and went home night one decides to ask Sydney.

A montage of Dylan and Hannah G spending the night together in celebration of his birthday is shortly followed by a montage of all the happy couples in Paradise that comically ends with Blake sitting by himself. He says that all he wants is what Demi and Kristian have (gay sex?) and that he’s over getting friendship roses.

Cut to Kristina opening up to Luke on her date. When asked about Blake and her history with him, Kristina is quick to defend his character. “He’s a great guy,” she reassures Luke who shoots her a puzzled look. Matt and Sydney’s date isn’t going any smoother. Matt teaches Sydney a couple of phrases in ASL and when she repeatedly signs, “kiss me,” Matt is too nervous to take the bait. He’s too nervous worrying what his parents will think if they see him kiss someone on television. “My mom is going to freakin’ kill me!” he says which feels a little too Norman Bates for my liking! “Eventually I do want to kiss Sydney… but right now I just want to get to know her better. We’re kind of just having fun. And I’m shy,” he admits in his talking head.

JPJ finally asks to talk to Tayshia for what honestly feels like the first time this week. A weepy, snotty, hunched over JPJ offers Tayshia a sincere apology and tells her that he admires her. He says that he should have communicated better, but he tried to do the right thing the whole time. Hey, that’s Blake’s line! Tayshia is mostly just upset about the fighting going on between him and Derek. “You guys fighting yesterday just really rubbed me the wrong way,” Tayshia says which ultimately makes JPJ start crying again as she attempts to console him. Jeez, is she going to have to soothe sobbing men every season?

You would think this means that Tayshia would be choosing Derek, but in a shocking talk Tayshia says “I just don’t know if I can get there.” Derek asks “Do you know you can’t? … Is there more I can show you?” in an attempt to keep this from ending. She says a lot about being unsure about a lot of things, but Derek cuts her off “But you’re sure it’s not me?” to which Tayshia silently nods her head.

When we get back from commercial Derek asks the cast to gather around him because he has something he would like to say. He tells them all that he is grateful for the friendships he’s made in Paradise, but they are unfortunately the only relationships he has been able to build. As a result, Derek decides to head home. “I love so many of you in so many ways. And just thank you all,” he says before he hugs everyone goodbye.

“It just seems like when I finally click with somebody they run away,” Derek says in his confessional. He shares his fears that he will never find someone. Derek feels that every time he cares for someone, they are unable to reciprocate. Which sounds like the next Bachelor and looks like the next Bachelor, but uh… we’ll see.

Tayshia feels partially responsible and when JPJ offers her some tissue and a quick “I’m sorry.” She tells Caelynn and Nicole that she can’t even think about him right now.

It seems that Derek’s departure has helped some couples cherish the three-week-old ~relationship~ and look to what life looks like after Paradise. What kind of lifestyle can Fab Fit Fun sponsorships fund? Chris and Katie finally determine that they are boyfriend and girlfriend. Demi and Kristian are throwing the L-word around (love in this context) left and right, but that one is less shocking seeing as queer women bring a U-Haul to the second date.

Chase from Jojo’s season arrives and instantly makes it clear that he wants to pursue Angela. And Clay is not happy about it! He insists that he is completely over his ex, but is pretty open that it is a difficult pill to swallow watching his ex date directly in front of him. He spends the majority of Chase and Angela’s date venting to the group about how he doesn’t want to see Angela date anyone, but also he is over Angela.

Blake has been struggling to make a connection in Paradise. Mostly because he’s already connected with every viable option in attendance, but uh… the party is ending soon so maybe it’s time to circle back around. Blake ~realizes~ that maybe that person was Kristina the whole time. He says they always seem to gravitate towards each other (debatable) and that she’s the person he goes to if he’s had a bad day. Kristina, a skeptic at heart, asks Blake to revisit this profession of his love for tomorrow. She wants to be sure he’s sincere. Ugh! Make up your mind! Do you want someone sincere or do you want Blake?!

Clay asks to speak to Angela to which she responds “Sure if we must!” so immediately I’ve picked a side. What begins as a civil argument devolves into Angela and Clay spitefully throwing points of contention in one another’s faces. Finally, Angela tells Clay “You know me! You know I’m not a drama person! Let’s just coexist.” It’s is a fabulous bumper sticker but not a resolution. The two rejoin the group just a little more comfortable.

Blake and Kristina are checking back in to see where they stand now that a full day has passed. That’s three months in Bachelor franchise time. Blake says he’s all in and looks like he’s all in, but Kristina doesn’t seem sure. This makes Blake feel nervous, sharing that tonight he’ll either be going home or beginning his future with Kristina.

At the rose ceremony Nicole gives her rose to Clay, Angela gives her rose to Chase, Kristian gives her rose to Demi, Hannah gives her rose to Dylan, Katie gives her rose to Chris, Haley gives her rose to Luke, Caelynn gives her rose to Connor, Sydney gives her rose to Matt Donald, Tayshia gives her rose to JPJ and Kristina gives her rose to Blake.

Which means MIKE. IS. GOING. HOME. None of those men are as good as Mike! I’m sorry (I’m not), but someone had to say it! He says that everyone keeps telling him how great he is, but he’s still sitting alone in a van. I didn’t even know his beaming face could frown.

Speaking of people who do not deserve to be in Paradise or even alone happy, Blake says in a talking head that he wants to prioritize his relationship with Kristina. So in walks Bri from Colton’s season, who Blake seemed to really hit it off with at the wedding. To everyone’s surprise, he stays true to his word and turns Bri down. She instead takes Matt Donald and they spend the day surfing. It seems that it’s a lot easier for him to get over the whole shy thing because the two make out in the sand.

Dylan calls having sex “going to the boom boom room.” Do whatever you want with that information.

Anyway, Caelynn is feeling pretty comfortable with Connor, but not for long. A freshly shaven Dean reemerges in Paradise, surprising everyone as he asks to speak to Caelynn. He tells her that he couldn’t stop thinking about her the entire flight back to San Diego and on a trip to the Grand Canyon simply wished she was by his side. So he wants to know if she will leave Paradise with him.

And then we go bye bye. What will Caelynn do? Probably the wrong thing! See you next week!

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