ADVERTISEMENT

Entertainment

Bachelor In Paradise Season 6; Week 1: Bisexuals, Betrayal & Blake

By  | 
ADVERTISEMENT

 em Bachelor in Paradise em  Season 6  Week 1  Bisexuals  Betrayal   Blake Screen Shot 2019 08 06 at 12 12 18 AM 640x400 png

ABC


It’s been a really long week, everyone. And the Paradise theme song has been stuck in my head for days now! Hi, guys! If this is your first time watching Bachelor in Paradise, the premise of the show is essentially letting fans watch the funniest/hottest/most controversial Bachelor(ette) alum from the past few seasons get drunk on bottomless margaritas at a resort in Mexico for two months. They’re not really allowed to call it “Mexico” and refer to their locale simply as “Paradise” for the few of weeks they’re south of the border. It’ll get as chaotic as it sounds.

Maybe if Tyler C. and Gigi Hadid work out, we might even see Hannah Brown touch down on the Paradise Beach. Let’s jump in to the season premiere of the summer’s biggest sh*tshow.

The first former contestant to wash up on the beach is Tayshia. She almost made it to the end of Colton Underwood’s season, but was left jilted in Greece when he realized he was in love with Cassie Randolph for some reason. Tayshia is adorable and we like her.

Blake comes up next and — if you aren’t up to date on spoilers — good for you because his storyline is… a lot. You have a life. Blake will be at the center of all of the drama that will be going on this season. It sounds like Blake hooked up with both Tayshia and Kristina (season 21) at Stagecoach, but has also allegedly gotten down and dirty with Caelynn and Hannah G. before this Paradise season even began. Also, all of these hookups may have happened back to back to back to back.

Is anyone else seeing what these four women are seeing? I thought we all liked him for his personality on Becca Kufrin‘s pity-season of The Bachelorette.


Katie is next and she’s very pretty, but there’s nothing funny I can say about her or her entrance, so now we’re moving on to Dylan. Dylan is the guy from Hannah Brown’s season whose chemical peel hadn’t entirely healed yet, but he’s back and he’s less shiny and without the gleam coming off of him, it’s easier to see how cute he is. Sydney comes thru next. She was on Colton’s season and that’s about it. After Sydney is Derek Peth who left Paradise two years ago engaged to Taylor Nolan, but is back and hopefully this time it works out for him. He won the heart of Taylor Nolan, so clearly he’s very ~emotionally intelligent~, which is a stark contrast from 99% of the men on this season of Paradise.


Cam is back and he’s rapping again, but this time he’s doing it in a leopard shirt that is completely unbuttoned, so now we have him on two criminal offenses. It seems he’s here to ruin the remainder of the summer we have left. Jane is next and I don’t remember her. She says she was eliminated night one on Colton’s season so we’ll just have to take her word on that.

Hannah G. follows. She also made it pretty far during Colton’s season but didn’t even get to go on a fantasy suite date because of Colton’s Cassie Revelation. She’s back, but this time she says she feels she’s a new woman — and it’s not just her top lip.


It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Demi finally shows up. Demi was the wisecracking, blonde hellraiser during her time on Colton’s season. Or “Demi’s season” according to her majesty. She shares that since appearing on the show she’s actually been dating… a woman! So now I have five extra years added to my life. Demi shares this news when she meets up with Hannah Brown and she is met with complete support from Miss Alabama. Demi says that despite not being exclusive, the two were head over heels for each other. Hm… so why come to Paradise?

Clay from Becca K.’s season is the next to be introduced and he claims since the show ended he’s tried to play for the NFL, but all of us diehard football sportspeople know that it hasn’t worked out. This isn’t Dancing With The Stars, so the NFL doesn’t just let one of their star players star on reality TV for a few weeks to boost Superbowl ratings.

Hopefully, this time around he makes himself more memorable.

Ugh. Nicole is up next. She’s best known from her time spent crying on Colton’s season and fighting with Onyeka, who arrives later in the day. Hopefully this is the next Ashley Iaconetti because I think I speak for everyone when I say we’re bored of Ashley I. Chris Bukowski, who has appeared on SIX(!) different seasons of this franchise has come out of retirement to come to Mexico Paradise for a second time. He made his first appearance on Emily Maynard’s season in 2012. When you compare how the show was back then to how it is now, we’re not sure Chris knows what he’s signed himself up for. But if there’s one thing I know about most of the women who have come to Paradise, it’s that most of them need a Daddy.


It’s finally time for everyone to begin interacting with one another and after Hannah G. walks onto the beach, Blake arrives and tells Chris Harrison vaguely that he has ~kept in touch~ with a few of the ladies from the franchise. Talk about an understatement. He doesn’t even know what the producers have in store for him. But we do. It’s called dramatic irony and it’s delicious.

The two seem relatively happy to see one another and it looks like, despite his impending doom, Blake has a genuine interest in her.

During arrivals, a beefed-up Kevin is thrown into the mix. Since his last appearance on Hannah Brown’s season, he’s been working out 4-5 hours a day. So he’s probably in a really good place mentally.

John Paul Jones shows up in a speedo to make all of us smile for the first time in a week. He was a fan-favorite during Hannah Brown’s season and we all just want what’s best for him — which of course right now means we’re hoping he’s wearing sunscreen with at least 90 SPF.


Annaliese boogies on down and is upset to see her friend Angela Amezcua’s ex, Clay, in Paradise. She has decided he isn’t ready to date and it’s her job to get involved. That honestly might be a better use of her time this season. Annaliese is from Arie Luyendyk’s season and is best known for falling in love with a different man every other episode last season on Paradise only to finally settle on Kamil, who ultimately broke her heart. She cries a lot and her voice is very shaky. You’ll know it’s her because her mere presence triggers your social anxiety.


Then comes Caelynn from Colton’s season. She plays a major role in the Blake Love Hexagon (I didn’t pass geometry). It sounds like Blake hooked up with Kristina the night before he hooked up with her and as Paradise was approaching, he contacted Caelynn to ask her to keep their rendezvous on the DL because he viewed their night of passion as a mistake. But the only mistake I see is Blake. Caelynn is pissed.

Naturally, I looked up her birth chart to get some insight on what she’s gonna do. She’s a Gemini so maybe after a few drinks she’ll put him on blast.


Much to Caelynn’s chagrin, Blake gets the first date card and although he chatted up Hannah G. all day decides to ask Tayshia out instead. Everyone seems pretty blindsided by this and Caelynn is just surprised as the rest of us that someone like Blake can pull this many women. I knew they all wanted someone with a good head on their shoulders, but a small one?

Naturally, Hannah G. is disappointed, but Dylan sure isn’t! He spends the majority of the episode raving about how beautiful Hannah G. is and believes that she’s completely out of his league, but with Blake out of the picture, he’s going to try and swoop in. It seems to go over well and after some awkward fussing with the decorative pillows, they begin to make out and it’s hot enough.


During Blake and Tayshia’s date, Blake pokes fun at Tayshia for being surprised that he picked her. It’s arrogant, but she just giggles and they seem to really be getting along so I wipe my glasses for the third time in two hours. Maybe it’s a smudge on my lens making him look like that and sound like a complete assh*le?

As Blake and Tayshia have fake dinner (this is still The Bachelor franchise, people), Caelynn comes clean to Wells Adams, Paradise’s resident bartender and Modern Family star Sarah Hyland’s new fiancé! Caelynn says that the morning after they hooked up, he was DM’ing Hannah G. while laying next to her in bed and talking about how hot Tayshia was. Toolbag alert! It was also during this super-empowering conversation that he spilled to Caelynn about sleeping with Kristina just a day earlier. Wow. Did someone Out-Dean Dean Unglert himself? Caelynn tells Wells that she believes Blake asked her to keep their hookup a secret “to protect his image.” Obviously he’s never watched Bachelor in Paradise before. This is the show where Good Boys’ Good Images come to die.


As the evening unfolds, Demi and Derek somehow end up in the hot tub and gay women across America collectively had a moment of silence.

The following morning, Caelynn lets both Onyeka and Sydney in on her little secret and it seems like everyone is slowly canceling their Blake subscription as a storm brews just off the shore of Mexico Paradise.

Finally, Kristina arrives. She’s the girl from the story! And was played by Dean, too. Someone needs to get this girl a douchebag radar. She tells Chris Harrison that she knows about Caelynn and, when she receives the date card for the day, she chooses to take Blake. But as the episode comes to a close, Kristina reveals her true intentions. “Today, I’m going to make Blake my bitch,” she says as she grins into the camera.

Do you think JPJ had access to weed during filming? Let me know. See you next tonight!

ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
ADVERTISEMENT
comments
Share
Tweet
Pin
Email