The Bachelorette Week 7: Naked & Afraid

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Good morning, everyone. If you missed last night’s episode, you made a good call. It was infuriating. Not only as a feminist, but as someone who hates Hannah Brown’s earring choices. Here’s a link to last week’s recap. Hannah wore plastic heart earrings in that one. It was wild!

Ah. Riga, Latvia. The city of love. Hannah begins her day strolling through the city musing on her journey so far. Hopefully, it is here, in Riga, Latvia that she begins to find potential in the remaining men that are not named Luke. Because ABC is running out of miles for this season.

Luke begins the morning by making yet another weak attempt to bury the hatchet with the other men. But without remorse or honesty, the men don’t really see any reason to overlook Luke’s lying and violence and shadiness and, just like, the fact that he will not blink, goddamn it.

A date card is delivered to Garrett and when he arrives, both he and Hannah are surprised to discover they will be bungee jumping from a gondola dangling above a river and, in case that wasn’t horrifying enough, they’ll be plummeting to their death naked. I think the scariest part for me was worrying that the naked Latvian couple who demonstrated the jump was wearing the same nylon harness Hannah and Garrett would have to. Do you think they Purell them?


Hannah and Garrett, unfortunately, survive the jump and head to their fake dinner where Hannah has the audacity to wear the following: A pink glittery jumpsuit, a pink faux fur coat, a black pearl statement necklace, and black bedazzled gloves. All at once. I know I get on Hannah a lot about her outfits, but I’m starting to think her stylist is just someone pressing randomize on Create a Sim.


Hannah and Garrett sit down for fake dinner and take turns diving deeper into one another’s backgrounds. And while it’s Garrett’s turn to tell his sob story (his dad wanted him to play football but all he wanted was to golf!), a lot of the focus is on Hannah. It’s one of the first times this season we get to see a contestant ask Hannah to talk about herself at length. Which is really sweet, but also pretty sad. It took this long for the focus to be on forming a real relationship rather than the date being eclipsed by Luke related drama. They really seem to be getting closer and it isn’t just that there’s less clothing between them. The night ends with Garrett getting the rose. If she chooses him she can stay in the same zip code. I think that’s a huge plus for Garrett.

In the morning Garrett tells everyone about his date with Hannah and what it was like to bungee jump naked. Luke is visibly confused by what Garrett is saying, but it isn’t his processor overheating. He cannot believe that Hannah would betray him and do something like that. “I don’t think that’s how it went down,” Luke says in his talking head. He hopes to get some clarification on the group date today. Yes, Luke. Please bring it up.


Mike, Jed, Tyler, Luke, Connor, Dylan and Dustin all head out to their group date. Man, this is so much easier now that we’re done with last name specifications! The boys will be spending their day at the farmers market with Hannah who quickly sniffs out moonshine so they can all take a shot together. They spend the day showering Hannah in gifts from the market. Tyler gets her flowers, Jed gets her coffee and Luke gets mad at her on the tram. During the train ride, Hannah tells the men about her date with Garrett the day before and how proud she was that she conquered her fear and took a leap of faith. Oh my god, I get it now. It’s a metaphor. Luke is upset that Hannah would agree to go through with it and wants to get to the bottom of this with Hannah later on.


Later in the evening, Luke shares his incorrect opinion with the group. He says that it felt like a slap in the face that Hannah would do something like that and that her body is a temple. But honey, people come inside of temples all the time.

Tyler defends Hannah by saying that he respects that she went for it and that she should be making her own decisions. The one good thing to come out of this whole Luke thing is that it has made every other man in the house actively check their gender politics and modes of behavior. The men jump to Hannah’s defense and tell Luke that maybe it’s best he stay in his lane. We love continuity.


Luke needs to confront this issue but is still confident that his method will earn him the group date rose. However, he makes the mistake of saying all of the wrong things. Luke begins with “I’ll be honest, you’re not gonna like this” which feels right on and then he asks Hannah if she’s ever been cheated on because that’s how this has made him feel.

Luke says that he will always support her even when she’s making boneheaded decisions that are out of her character. “No matter what we’re going to get through anything,” Luke tells Hannah who is just as stunned as the rest of America. It doesn’t seem like she says much, but this shockingly doesn’t earn Luke the group date rose. That instead goes to Tyler.

It’s Peter’s turn for a one-on-one and Hannah will be spending the day with him at a Latvian spa where they mix spices, whack each other with leaves, and make out in the sauna. Later that night, Peter tells Hannah that he’s falling for her and he speaks Spanish. It is altogether a very steamy date.

When Peter returns from his date, Jed sneaks off with his guitar in tow to serenade Hannah outside of her window with… the exact same song he performed on episode two. It’s baffling that this guy even has a girlfriend waiting for him back home, but Hannah likes whatever he’s doing. “If that isn’t something out of a romance novel, I don’t know what is,” she gushes as if it wasn’t an acknowledgment of Jed’s unoriginality. He asks to come upstairs and proceeds to play and sing for Hannah for the rest of the night. It seems that Hannah has either forgotten or doesn’t care that Jed only came on the show for his career because she is completely smitten watching Jed play.

Back at the house, Luke and Garrett are fighting in the living room. It’s a lot of driving metaphors that basically boil down to Luke lying and Garrett caring too much about Luke lying. It ends with Garrett telling Luke “Sweet dreams” as he leaves and he isn’t even the creepiest guy in the room.

The following day is the cocktail party and rose ceremony, but before the men can get ready Hannah shows up at the suite and asks to speak to a foolishly eager Luke.

Hannah then expertly picks apart everything Luke had said to her in their previous conversation. Hannah tells him how upset she was that he said she made a boneheaded mistake. “You don’t own me. It’s my body,” Hannah tells Luke over the cheers of women across America. And even when Luke repeatedly says he’s sorry he’s been misunderstood Hannah continues to obliterate his entire misogynistic argument.

Luke reenters the hotel room and immediately starts yelling at the other men to stay in their own lanes and that he wouldn’t be divulging into the specifics of his conversation. But literally no one asked.

After the discussion gets heated, Chris Harrison enters the room to tell the men there will be no cocktail hour and they’ll be headed straight into the rose ceremony because Hannah knows exactly what she wants to do.

And for the first time, Hannah’s outfit looks gorgeous. She’s wearing an emerald green gown that finally has me asking “who is she wearing?” and not “what are thooooooose?”

Hannah sends home Dylan and Dustin, making it the last ceremony where we say “which one is that one again?”

The episode ends with Chris Harrison asking Hannah why she’s keeping Luke around and Hannah admits that she’s either falling in love with him or she’s being driven crazy. I think we all know it’s the latter.

See you next week, guys.

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