Colton Underwood Bachelor Finale Recap: Single & Still A Virgin

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Against all odds, we’ve finally made it. Can you believe we’ve gone through ten weeks of this? Last episode alone took five years off of my life, but I’m ready for Chris Harrison to become the only man I trust finally make good on his promise to give us the most dramatic Bachelor finale yet.

Chris reminds us that Colton Underwood is lost in the Portuguese countryside. I don’t know why they’re acting like he might be kidnapped or murdered. He’s clearly walking through a nice residential area next to the Four Seasons Portugal, not the slums. And honestly, if none of these women want him, why would Portuguese gangsters?

We see a recap of this season and all of the red flags Colton ignored during these past three months. It lasts fifteen minutes because there’s not enough content to fill a two-hour finale, and they had to pad the episode somewhere. Colton jumps the fence, and the producers run around with a dog whistle trying to lure him back. Chris gets winded after breaking into a light jog and begins calling people on his three different phones to keep them informed of the situation. How much do you want to bet that there was no one on the other end of that call?

The producers drive around the same four blocks trying to find Colton, and one of them dead*ss suggests looking behind the street dividers and through the grass like this angry, fully grown man would be crouching behind a wall to hide from Chris Harrison (or is curled up into a ball and crying in a bush, which is honestly possible). After some poorly handled first-person camera action that honestly made me queasier than all of the shots of Hannah B. growling, they finally spot Colton and his bright red scarf angrily walking in a straight line. A real covert agent, this one.

Chris tries to lure him into the van, and I swear he’s about to try and bribe him with Halo Top Ice Cream candy like a cartoon predator. The producers act like they’re worried about Colton’s well-being after officially becoming the most-dumped Bachelor ever (which is true!), but really they’re just wondering if they’ll still get paid for the next three weeks if he shuts down production. Colton finally agrees to get into one of the truly ridiculous number of production vans, but he says it’s done. I have so many questions. Is he coming back to dump Hannah G. IRL? Will he stalk Cassie all the way back to Huntington Beach? Is it bad that I find him hotter when he cries?

Chris’s advice roughly amounts to, “Last night was wild,” which is exactly what I said after last week’s episode, so I’m not mad at it. Colton won’t admit that Cassie might not actually be into him, and I think the Stockholm Syndrome these women are supposed to feel towards the Bachelor might have worked in reverse this season.

Colton does, in fact, do the decent thing and shows up to dump Tayshia and Hannah G. in person because we’re still supposed to believe he’s a nice guy by default just because he’s a virgin. All I’m saying is, Joe Jonas dumped Taylor Swift in a 27-second phone call, and they’re both doing just fine. I know I should be thinking about how sad Colton’s break up with Tayshia is and how this season is ~so real~, but really I’m just wondering what the producers blew all of their money on this season to justify this mediocre hotel.

Did Mike Fleiss see how much press Arie Luyendyk Jr.’s unedited breakup got and think to himself, “Awesome, let’s do it again three more times”? This is so painful. Colton and Tayshia go behind a closed door for privacy and cry together.

I like Tayshia a lot, TBH, but we didn’t see enough of her relationship with Colton during this season for me to feel genuinely upset during this breakup. It just seemed inevitable. For Chris to then say it was more devastating than Arie and Becca Kufrin’s breakup on the live broadcast just feels disingenuous.

Tayshia and Colton have a post-breakup chat on the soundstage, so what exactly is going to happen during “After The Final Rose”? Her highlights are phenomenal, which is what we call “winning the breakup.”

I cannot stop looking at Colton’s hair. Did he go to his hairdresser and give him a picture of Johnny Bravo? It looks like it’s pointing towards due north like a compass. Colton looks 14, but honestly, that could be the hair or it could be the virginity. Colton can’t really give Tayshia the closure she needs because hearing, “I never really loved you,” isn’t closure. It’s just sad. She handles it so maturely, and it’s clear that Bachelorette auditions are truly going until the last minute this year, even if they’ve already chosen [REDACTED].

It’s pretty messed up that ABC pushed this virginity angle *so hard* knowing the entire time that the world was going to make fun of Colton for months (even though virginity is a social construct and it shouldn’t matter) and he wouldn’t even have the redemption of losing it to a hot girl on national television. It’s not funny if he ends the show still single and still a virgin. It’s just mean.

Just as I’m wondering how horrible Colton’s break up with Hannah G., the actual frontrunner, will be if his breakup with Tayshia was so rough, Colton arrives at Hannah’s three-and-a-half-star hotel room door. They show a talking head of Hannah saying how in love she is, which is just twisting the knife. Why don’t you actually stab her, ABC? That might be less painful.

Colton tells Hannah G. that he’s breaking up with her because he’s in love with Cassie, but conveniently leaves out Cassie brutally dumping him for the chance at a spot on Dancing With The Stars. Hannah looks like she’s in shock while he’s talking, but when it sinks in, it’s actually brutal. Her face doesn’t move when she cries, which is so unfair. When I cry, I look like someone drew a face on a raisin. It’s not cute. Hannah still looks amazing, so at least she has that small victory. He goes to hug her, and just like during the Arie and Becca breakup, my whole body is screaming, “DO NOT TOUCH HER.” Why do men think this will be helpful? Hannah, like, barely blinked that whole time, which is the strangest coping mechanism I’ve ever seen. But you do you, girl.

Colton literally starts sobbing outside of her hotel room because he just gave up a sure thing for a girl who doesn’t even like him, which is messed up for a lot of reasons: a) Bruh, she can hear you, b) Please don’t refer to your ex as a “sure thing,” that’s gross, and c) You had ONE JOB, Colton.

His only job for multiple months was to find a woman who actually wanted to marry him. It’s not his fault this entire cast was 23 (that’s right, Cassie and Hannah G. are both Demi’s age, haters!), but it is his fault that he chose the only 23-year-old who wasn’t willing to pretend to be ready for marriage in the spirit of good sportsmanship. Maybe this is his karma for stringing Tia Booth along with such a palpable lack of enthusiasm for the past year. There’s no way Cassie could have known that Colton is clearly working through some issues RE: only wanting girls that are unavailable, but she literally did the exact same thing to him that he did to Tia by stringing him along in the hopes that she could become the Bachelorette. To be fair, it worked for Colton, so maybe Cassie’s only crime was getting caught in her lies.

Hannah G. is crying back at ABC studios, so this wound is still fresh even months after the fact. She said that Colton always told her she reminded him of home and that she felt like it was meaningless when he repeated it during their breakup. See, *this* might actually be more brutal than Arie and Becca’s breakup. Are you happy, Mike?

Hannah explains that rewatching this season made her even more hurt and confused. Imagine being forced to watch footage of your last relationship in a room full of strangers, then amplify it by a million percent. The entire world thought she was going to win too, which is a blindside if I’ve ever seen one. When Chris brings Colton to confront her (seriously, what are we going to see tomorrow?), she points out that Colton did to her exactly what Cassie did to Colton. Which is funny, because Cassie did to Colton exactly what Colton did to Tia. Does that mean it’s Hannah G.’s turn to lead someone on for months only to stomp on their heart and kill their dreams? #HannahGForBachelorette

Hannah G. handled everything maturely, but again the only closure Colton could offer was that he loved Cassie. Sure, but then why did you tell Hannah you were falling in love with her? This show is why I have trust issues.

Because that conversation clearly wasn’t going anywhere, ABC decided to prolong this night of horrors by bringing in Ben Higgins, Jason Tartick, Blake Horstmann, and Garrett Yrigoyen. Ah yes, a well-meaning guy whose horrible advice didn’t help earlier, the two guys who should have been the Bachelor, and a man who thought the Parkland survivors were paid trauma actors. One of these men is not like the others. While there’s really no reason for Garrett to be there, he does point out that Becca was in the audience and might have literally ran away during all of the breakups. How dare they ask Becca to sit through that without warning her? Has she not been through enough?

The episode manages to end on a cliffhanger despite only having fifteen minutes of actual content, with Cassie packing to leave Portugal and Colton preparing to go after her. Colton gives himself a speech that sounds like a motivational quote on a decorative pillowcase, then arrives at Cassie’s hotel room.

Chris Harrison ends the show by pointing out that Colton is close to ending the show the way he started: single, and still a virgin. Somehow, it sounds meaner when Chris says it. Last week’s episode was definitely more dramatic, but there are genuinely so many ways tomorrow could go. ABC has thrown out the script, which come to think of it was the only thing they had yet to do. Every time I think they’ve hit a wall, The Bachelor still manages to surprise me. Join me tomorrow for the last fifteen minutes of this season, followed by forty-five minutes of filler.

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