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Colton Underwood Bachelor Recap Week 5: Snitches Get Stitches

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ABC

Chris Harrison is too busy sitting on the piles of money ABC gave him for mixing up Caelynn and Hannah B. last week to actually show up and do his job. With Chris enjoying his new house in the Hamptons, there’s no one left to explain to us that the contestants are leaving Singapore for Thailand. It took me a full fifteen minutes to realize that the show had changed countries because they explained it while showing a *new* video of Colton enjoy an outdoor shower because he is a pure clean boy!

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ABC

Distractions aside, Heather gets a one-on-one with Colton, and it’s even worse than I imagined it would be. In case any of us forgot that Heather’s here to do more than gas up Alabama Hannah and look uncomfortable, Heather’s thing is that she’s 23 years old and has never been kissed. Naturally, the opening shot of Heather’s one-on-one preparation is an extended take of Heather brushing her teeth in case ~today’s the day~ but instead of brushing her teeth like a normal person, she deep throats her toothbrush. Hey, all she said is that she’s never been kissed. Julia Roberts didn’t kiss in Pretty Woman either but she was still a sex worker.

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ABC

This date was so awkward. Heather’s “subtle hints” gave me PTSD to being in the seventh grade before we all understood that men literally do not get subtlties. Heather spent the whole catamaran ride staring at Colton’s lips, biting her lip (ew), or licking her lips (EW). This isn’t Twilight, Heather, enough with the lingering glances. Colton and Heather were silent for so long that you may have thought the subtitles on your television had stopped working. At least Alabama Hannah got the nerve to say “um… Roll Tide?” after about fifteen minutes of silence on *her* painfully uncomfortable one-on-one.

Heather starts talking about her past relationships and wait, hold up. Heather had *past relationships* where she didn’t kiss her boyfriend? Was this in elementary school? Is she currently breaking Amish? Heather explains to the viewers back home that her last relationship started a few months after she graduated college and lasted EIGHT MONTHS. She dated someone for eight months, and they didn’t kiss. Did the guy know that they were dating? Like, did he realize that Heather was under the impression that they were in a relationship? Also, if Heather is 23 and dated someone for eight months a few months after she graduated from college, this had to be a really recent relationship. Odds are that Heather isn’t a secret genius, so she probably graduated from college at 22 like the rest of us, or at the latest an old 21. This ‘relationship’ ended four months ago, max, based on simple math.

Heather and Colton dance around each other on the beach, both literally and metaphorically. There’s a perfect opportunity for Colton to kiss Heather, and this b— scratches her nose instead! Okay, I’m sorry, she clearly can’t pick up on social cues, but goddamn it. It would honestly have been funnier if Colton didn’t kiss her because he clearly was uncomfortable with the situation, but if he’s going to make one of these poor women take his virginity on national television, he can suck it up and be this girl’s first kiss. But the consensus is that Heather definitely kisses like someone who’s been kissed before…

Back at the Airbnb, no one is talking about Kirpa‘s chin bandage. No, for real, what happened to Kirpa? It’s swelling, so she’s not just covering a zit. Did she get stung by something? Did she fall and they *didn’t* air the footage on national television? We deserve answers! Also, the producers couldn’t look around and find this poor girl a bandage that matches her skin tone? We all know band-aids are high key a lil racist, but with all of their power and influence, the producers couldn’t find a tan bandage that wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb for this underappreciated queen? Either show the footage of her falling or help her cover up whatever is growing on her chin!

Elyse is prepping for a big dramatic moment because she’s had a complete personality overhaul, but I’m too distracted by the horrifying foot tattoo I just saw to care. We only saw it for a second, but Elyse has a faux Chanel anklet/toe ring tattooed in black on her foot. We were rooting for you Elyse, we were all rooting for you! What IS that?

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The CW

Right, anyway, Elyse has suddenly become everyone’s least favorite Bachelor contestant trope: the one who’s clearly never seen the show before and is confused that twenty other girls are dating her boyfriend. It’s only been two weeks since her one-on-one, but now that she’s had her fifteen minutes, Elyse is ready to get her iPhone back and see how many Instagram followers she’s gotten from sequestering herself in a mansion filled with 23-year-olds. Elyse puts on her best dress of the season (probably because she’d have to give it back to whatever store comped it if she never wore it on air), walks over to Colton’s timeshare, and does a fantastic job of pretending to be sad that she gets to go home. In reality, she probably can’t believe that she wasted a month of her life on a 26-year-old man that dresses like he stepped out of a Vineyard Vines catalog. Don’t think we haven’t noticed that horrible hemp bracelet Colton’s always wearing — we have. Even Pookah shells would be better than this.

Colton really doesn’t seem like he cares, but personally, I think that if you look deep enough into his eyes, you can see this rejection reminding him of when he used to be a fat kid. After Elyse and her weirdly-static mic left, we’re sure he had a really good cry sesh.

Colton does another one of his weird Blair BWitch Project self-filmed interviews but at a really weird angle. His head was like, really close to the camera, but there was a bunch of empty space to his right and everything was at an angle. Is this supposed to show how Elyse leaving has left the whole show… off-kilter? I guess I was too distracted by the angle to notice Colton explaining that he was so fed up with these bickering girls that he decided to put them in the center of the woods and ask them to eat even more bugs. On this week’s episode of Fear Factor, Hannah B. keeps eating gross things to prove herself. I’m not sure if Colton will want to kiss her after seeing her down a live maggot, but then again, she did just prove that she can swallow. So. Still a pretty good strategy.

After last week’s post-bungee girlish scream went over so well, the producers decided to humiliate Colton again by giving him a giant snake and seeing how long it takes for Colton to wet himself. Surprisingly, the snake peed first (…how do snakes pee? where does it come from?), making Colton shriek and run away. Tayshia thinks she wins this group date by making out with Colton surrounded by scorpions, but in reality, Demi once again proves herself to be the best contestant here by taking her friends the h*ll out of the jungle and back to a hotel. She returns with cheeseburgers, vodka sodas, and Evian, and she got to pee somewhere other than a tree stump.

At the group date cocktail party, Onyeka stirs shit up again. First, she got into a fight with Real Housewife Catherine on night one, last week she gassed up Demi to snitch on Courtney (whose name I literally just had to Google), and this week Onyeka is doing her own dirty work and narcs on Nicole for telling Elyse before she left that she was excited to be on The Bachelor to get out of Miami. Like Onyeka wasn’t excited to take a long vacation either, smh. Onyeka is so insecure in herself that she needs to get all up in someone else’s business when it legit doesn’t concern her at all, just to have something to say to Colton. Tayshia even tried to tell Onyeka that she was there for the conversation Elyse told Onyeka about, and Nicole never said what Elyse accused her of saying. If you didn’t follow that at all but still feel a little nauseous, then you know exactly what watching this episode felt like and I’ve done my job. Like, I also find Nicole kind of grating, but that’s no excuse to try to ruin her life. Hannah B. gets the group date rose because Colton is obsessed with her, which kind of sucks for Tayshia who really did the most on this date and deserved better.

For the final one-on-one of the episode, we finally have to remember who Cassie is. Cassie has done nothing except look hot on a surfboard during the premiere, but all the girls in the house are talking about her magical, envy-inducing connection with Colton. Literally why haven’t we seen any of this. Is she… going to win? Is that why the producers are showing this to us now? Colton’s date with Cassie is reenacting the plane crash episode from Grey’s Anatomy. They ride out to a small island with nothing on it (not even, like, a bottle of wine… or any water), the boat leaves them there, and they’re left to fend for themselves until nightfall. Nothing screams romance like the first 100 pages of Lord of the Flies. Cassie’s big share is that she’s nervous about her family members knowing she’s not a virgin and people in her community judging her for it. Cassie is a truly gorgeous blonde from Newport Beach, which begs the question: a) Who on Earth thinks this hot 23-year-old is a virgin and b) who, in one of the O.C.’s nicest beachfront neighborhoods, is going to care that a grown woman has had sex? She’s from SoCal, not the Midwest. Like, TBH, I feel her. If I was ever lucky enough to get eyelash extensions to appear on The Bachelor, I would secretly cancel my mom’s cable until the season was over. Imagine bringing your parents on a date with you, to a tropical island, where the only thing to do is make out with your boyfriend. Terrifying. Of course, Cassie’s natural response to this fear is to face it head-on and make out with Colton in his bed.

I don’t even want to get into the cocktail party, guys. It’s just another twenty minutes of Onyeka and Nicole arguing and being passive-aggressive. Also, Kirpa flossed Colton’s teeth. Just had to point that out. Oneyka and Nicole’s b*tchfest gets so loud that Colton can hear them wherever he goes and mediation does not help, so he runs away.

No fence in sight tonight, but Onyeka and Nicole won’t stop following him, so he just leaves. Demi is the only person who thinks it would be fun to see what’s going on right now, but she’s really just hoping that both girls get eliminated in next episode’s rose ceremony. Demi lives for drama, and if she isn’t featured more next episode, I’m quitting.

And as for my predictions for Onyeka and Nicole’s futures:

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