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Colton Underwood Bachelor Recap Week 7: Quitters Never Win

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In case you were wondering if this was finally the fence-jumping week: it wasn’t. And yes, I do feel lied to. We wouldn’t have to be so hung up on this stupid fence if there was any other hope of something interesting happening, but this week’s episode of The Bachelor apparently got its inspiration from the iconic Ashley Tisdale single, “He Said She Said.”

Before we get to all that, Colton Underwood did another vlog that no one asked for where he set the stakes for this episode. They are low, much like the weird emo lighting that Colton used for his self-taped confessional. The Bachelor brings the only good man to come out of the last five seasons, actual angel-human Ben Higgins, to give advice. Surprisingly, his advice wasn’t, “Pick the most boring blonde girl you can find and hope she doesn’t leave you for a country singer,” but we all know that’s what Colton is going to do anyway. Ben also tells Colton to “lean in,” which might be the closest thing to feminism The Bachelor will ever see.

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Knopf

The girls get to fly coach all the way to Denver to meet Colton’s parents, and Hannah B. decides to wear a mesh see-through top to a park in Middle America. Isn’t she from Alabama? Doesn’t she know that landlocked cities don’t understand casual nudity? A bold choice.

Tayshia gets the first one-on-one, but before anyone gets too excited, it’s just because Colton thinks she’s the most likely contestant to narc on the other girls. He’s determined to figure out which women are here for the right reasons because even Colton knows that he’s too distracted by mediocre blondes to make a good decision. Tayshia actually has a personality, so Colton can fully focus on pumping her for information about the aforementioned dull blondes because we all know she’s not getting a ring at the end of this. A few episodes worth of subtle cuts to Caelynn and Cassie, the clear front-runners, are finally made super obvious when the camera cuts to the girls talking about marriage right before Tayshia spills her tea: They both want to be the next Bachelorette. A former beauty queen and a wannabe reality star are just here for the attention? Truly shocking. Colton could have seen this coming if he would stop making out with anyone long enough to have a conversation that goes beyond, “When did your last pet die?” and “What sob-story monologue did you use to get cast this year?” Tayshia and Colton cook some salmon, ostensibly for his dog, Sniper, because we know these women don’t get to eat.

Tayshia is rewarded with a hometowns rose for her trouble, and Colton immediately goes on a skiing hometown date with Caelynn, who he actually cares about. Colton tattles on Tayshia in the first five minutes of this date because a) skiing is terrifying and he has no authority to be teaching it to anyone and b) Colton fundamentally doesn’t understand how to be a good fake boyfriend. Where is the loyalty? The subtlety? The art of actually caring about whether someone’s feelings are hurt? Caelynn cannot act, so she better hope she gets cast on Bachelor in Paradise or Dancing with the Stars after this because there is no future in scripted television for this girl. I don’t even see her being able to fake her way through The Bachelorette if this is the best she can do. Caelynn’s profane talking head in the middle of the date where she (basically) said Tayshia could catch these hands, however, was super believable and made me like her marginally more. What can I say? I love violence.

Caelynn calls Tayshia an “insecure 28-year-old girl,” which is Bachelor-speak for an elderly hag. Nevermind that 28 is, like, a normal age to get married. If you’re getting married at 23, you’re either Mormon or waiting for marriage (which explains why Colton is so eager to put a ring on it).

Caelynn confronts Tayshia back at the house, and even though they don’t talk about the ~damning~ accusation that Caelynn and Cassie just want to be the Bachelorette, Caelynn plays the victim and Tayshia isn’t having it. No one fights (boo!), but I’m starting to see why Hannah B. doesn’t trust her sworn enemy. Speaking of Hannah B., she gets the third one-on-one date, where she dresses slightly more appropriately to meet Colton’s parents. Long story short: Colton asked Hannah B. to his home just to send her back to hers. That’s right: we no longer have to suffer through Alabama Hannah’s weird growling, and her literal worst fear came true. She was eliminated before Caelynn yet again. He says he’s dumping her out of respect for her father or something, once again reminding us that this show is set in the early 1950s. I love period dramas. Hannah B., surprisingly, doesn’t bite anyone or set anything on fire, which is disappointing.

The group date hearse carries Kirpa, Cassie, Heather, and Hannah G. to a creepy train, where they need to solve the murder of Chris Harrison. Oh, no? He’s alive and well and just not in this episode yet again? Then what on Earth is with the leftover Agatha Christie filming location? Once the ominous mood is set, another one bites the dust, and Heather sends herself home. Every time one of these women leaves, you can see a part of Colton die. Way to use ’em and lose ’em, Never Been Kissed. Maybe there’s hope for her yet. Or she was really just there because she was in love with Alabama Hannah, and now that she’s gone, there’s no reason for Heather to stay. Love is love, y’all, even in the homophobic South.

Cassie convinces Colton that she’s ready for marriage by fluffing his ego and probably flashing her boob off-camera. Kirpa, however, shoots herself in the foot and tries to convince Colton that his two front-runners are just using him because it’s too expensive to buy good Instagram followers these days. Kirpa and Cassie basically rehash the same argument we saw between Tayshia and Caelynn, but this one ends with Kirpa getting sent home (spoiler!) after the girls have dinner at the world’s largest table. Did they leave spaces to symbolize all of the girls that left that Colton would have rather had at that date or nah? Hannah G. gets the group date rose even though we never see her talking to Colton, who clearly took Ben’s advice to choose the quietest blonde and hope for the best.

Caelynn intercepts Colton before his alone time with Kirpa to accuse her of tearing down other women (ironic, no?), effectively saving Cassie. Questions include: who drove Caelynn to this date?, Why is she in some type of Devil’s-alliance with Cassie?, and why would Kirpa say Colton is an adult who can make his own decisions when that’s clearly not true?

These question definitely won’t be answered next week, but we’ll still be here watching as Colton slowly eliminates all of the diverse women one-by-one.

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