Entertainment

Colton Underwood Bachelor Recap Week 9: Colton’s Worst Nightmare

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bachelor recap week 9

ABC

Let’s talk about sex, baby.

I really thought this fantasy suites episode would be more about Colton Underwood‘s virginity. Like, I was prepared to have to censor the eff out of my jokes, but this episode went somewhere I don’t think any Bachelor episode has gone before. The fence jump… exceeded expectations? How was that possible?

I bet when ABC stuck the cast and crew on a one-way RyanAir flight to Portugal, they didn’t realize that they’d have to use a Portuguese-language GPS to find their Bachelor later… but I’m getting ahead of myself.

The first forty-five minutes with Tayshia is a little awkward, partly because producers clearly wanted to get it over with and partly because even Colton is confused about how Tayshia is still there. Tayshia having the virginity date was kind of a low blow considering she’s only around because she lives close to Cassie.

It’s pretty sick that ABC got to choose who took Colton’s virginity after emphasizing how important it was to him for the past six months. If Colton was waiting for love for nearly three decades just to give it up to the most random top three contestants in Bachelor history, he might as well have had sex with an Olympic gymnast when he had the chance. To be fair, Colton may have requested Tayshia go first so he could figure out what he was doing before getting to Hannah G. or Cassie, the two girls he actually cares about.

Ah, yes, using an aggressive champagne pop as a metaphor for Colton prematurely ejaculating. Touche, ABC, touche. Let her know exactly what to expect. Colton brags about how he’s done basically *everything* except the biological definition of sex, which is exactly what I’ve been saying this whole time.

Tayshia wakes up in the cutest PJ set I’ve ever seen, and PSA I think it might be from Victoria’s Secret. They’re acting so awkward, but their comments about having great conversation make it super clear they didn’t have sex. As does the fact that they’re both wearing virginal off-white pajamas. Tayshia’s arm hickey threw me off for a second, but she confirms that they didn’t have “the physical intimacy she wanted.” Tough break.

To get this far in a show in the hopes that you’d actually get to bang the guy you’ve been dating for over three months, slowly developing Stockholm Syndrome, only to have the entire world know you couldn’t seal the deal, is the type of psychological damage that makes me think ABC must give these women a therapy stipend. Colton says he doesn’t love Tayshia, he’s just falling in love with her, which is Bachelor talk for “all of the other third-place options left me.”

Colton’s date with Cassie is a complete 180 from his date with Tayshia. He talks about wanting her to wear see-through PJs, jokes about BDSM paddles, and they’re *constantly* touching. Colton fully puts both of his hands on Cassie’s butt, and the camera cuts away really quickly, but we saw it. You can’t put anything past us, ABC! What I did not need was the ASMR kissing ABC sound mixed into the couple’s stairwell makeout. Did they see the pictures of Pete Davidson and Kate Beckinsale making out next to Antoni Porowski and take notes?

Colton loves Cassie, but it’s hard to tell if she feels the same way. It’s pointing towards no, and hearing that her dad doesn’t approve of their marriage is making her even more hesitant. Not just hesitant, fully shut down. Which, honestly, is probably *why* Colton loves Cassie. If he was healthy and well-adjusted, he wouldn’t have to go on the Bachelor to find a wife. Colton might be even more messed up than *I* am, and I’ll have you know that I’m a human disaster.

Cassie might be having a breakdown. She was already on the fence (pun intended), and now she might just book her own Spirit airlines flight back to the O.C. She can’t even pretend to get engaged to Colton now without pissing off her parents, which might put a hitch in her plan to take the Sugar Bear Hair sponsorship, keep the Neil Lane diamond, and run.

If anyone wants to join my betting pool on whether Cassie will actually accept Colton’s proposal at the end of this (because she’s *definitely* the winner), I’ve got one to five odds she says no.

Just a prediction during commercial: Cassie leaves Colton because she realizes if she has sex with him on national television, she’ll actually have to marry him, and that’s why he jumps the fence. Am I right?

I’m disturbed because Cassie’s dad looks enough like Colton that I thought it was Colton getting out of that van. I’m also disturbed because this whole “wealthy red-district man takes reality show too seriously because Jesus” vibe *screams* Trump supporter.

Nothing good is happening here. Cassie’s dad basically says that he can tell Cassie isn’t into it, and the rest of the family agrees. No sh*t, Sherlock. The Bachelor, as a franchise, only has an 18% success rate for getting its contestants down the aisle. That might be 5% more than Tinder, but it still means that this family really doesn’t have that much to worry about. Still, it’s refreshing that they’re taking this show so seriously because if more of us did, we might have a higher success rate than 18%.

The Randolphs realize that winners don’t get shotgun-married at the end of this process right? They can have, like, a three-year-long engagement to work out whether they actually like each other. I feel like Cassie called her dad to be her Get Out Of Jail Free card like I used to when I didn’t want to go to a playdate… or Algebra. Her dad gives some solid advice, though, and now I feel a little guilty for calling him a Trump supporter.

bachelor recap episode nine

Disney Channel

Colton is telling us he’s ready to go all the way, proving that he has no idea what is going through this girl’s head. Does he even listen when she talks? You know what they say, clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose (his virginity).

Colton could be more surprised that Cassie’s dad showed up in her hotel room *in Portugal*, but honestly, I’m just thinking about the fence. They’ve talked about it so much, and I can feel that it’s coming soon. There has been so much buildup and waiting that there’s no way it’s going to be as good as we think it’s going to be. The fence has been a metaphor for Colton losing his virginity this whole time.

Is it bad that I kind of love watching Colton’s worst fear coming to fruition?

I really enjoy Tia pretending to not be thrilled that Colton’s season has backfired so spectacularly:

Cassie leaves and comes back, but I have a feeling sex will not be had tonight. Colton thinks he can bring this around by admitting that he really only cares about Cassie and hasn’t been thinking about the other contestants, which will just scare her away faster. This is a very real, very vulnerable conversation that they’re having, and I feel like if they can get their sh*t together they might actually be one of the 18%. So, I have even more apologies to make to Mr. Randolph. Colton says he’s willing to be with her even if it means no engagement, which would mark the first season since Brad Pavelka that didn’t end with a ring.

Oh my god, he said it. He f*cking said he’s in love with Cassie. He really took Ben Higgins’s advice way too seriously. Colton begging Cassie to stay has ruined the last three pre-recorded hours of this season because all of his cards are on the table. He can’t say I love you to Hannah G. without breaking basically the one rule this show has (don’t say “I love you” to two contestants), and oh my god he f*cking said it again. He’s going to scare her away. He is SHAKING, and SO AM I.This has single-handedly legitimized this franchise by proving that the love is real… at least for him.

Cassie’s straight-to-camera moment a) Was creepy AF and b) Showed that she was here to make good television, not to find love. They’ve really gone off-script here, and what happens next is anyone’s guess. What we do know is that it probably won’t be a proposal.

We’ve always joked about Colton being unstable, but this is too real. Cassie is risking being the most hated woman in America, and I can’t figure out why.

Colton finally scares Cassie away, and she decides to quit the show. I realize she’s doing the right thing. She’s 23, she probably doesn’t love him, and she knows that lying would be the worst thing for Colton in the long run. But damn, this is painful to watch. It should have never gone this far.

Oh. Oh, he mad. Like, he’s *mad* mad. Colton gets his coat, takes off his mic, and just leaves.

I don’t know how exactly they think Chris Harrison is going to help this situation, but I cannot believe the fence jump actually lived up to the hype. Chris Harrison cursed. Twice. That’s how you know it’s real.

Colton ran away, and he is now lost in the streets of Portugal. They’re making Chris Harrison break into a light jog after waking this poor man up from his nap, and then the producers cut to a “To Be Continued.” I’m going to have to write these recaps from a public library computer because I’m throwing my laptop at a wall. This is the first time in my decade of watching this franchise that I legitimately have no clue what could happen next, and I’ve never been more excited for an episode of The Bachelor in my life.

PS: Love that they ended this episode by low-key putting Tayshia on blast for sucking Colton’s d*ck. Real classy, ABC. Not the wrong time for that at all.

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