Colton Underwood Women Tell All Recap: The Campaign For Bachelorette Continues
This is exactly what I needed after last night’s sh*t show: more Demi Burnett. I’ve missed you, girl! Now it’s time to rally.
Of course, instead of giving us what we want, Chris Harrison shows us a montage of every time this stupid franchise has ripped out our hearts and sacrificed them to the pagan god of Fab Fit Fun boxes. I did not come here to watch five minutes of breakups, say hello to eight girls I swear I have NEVER seen before, and then sit through ten minutes of commercials for something called Whiskey Cavalier. This won’t make us forget that you literally lost Colton on the streets of Portugal, Chris!
The ~actual~ show starts with a five second shot of Colton Underwood in the shower, only reminding us that he probably calls Hannah G. and Tayshia “Not Cassie” in his head. They let Onyeka speak before Demi can make a comment. This is not how I needed to start my Fat Tuesday. I should be drinking a marg and catching beads somewhere, but instead, I am here, waiting for wisdom from my one and only role model:
Courtney tries to start sh*t before Chris Harrison was ready to play referee, and he wasn’t having it. Catherine tries to say she got interrupted a lot. Did she not watch this season? Or is she just trying to hold onto her 15 minutes? I really don’t care. Nicole called Onyeka a bully, and Onyeka responded by bullying her more. If Tracy the Racist is the only person vocally defending you, you’re probably in the wrong. Onyeka just used Ariana Grande lyrics in vain (“thank u, next”), and I am shook that anyone could do that without being struck down by lightning.
A bunch of girls jump in to point out that Nicole and Onyeka are both horrible, and Chris Harrison probably wishes he had brought his airpods to tune out this b*tchfest. I forgot how painful listening to the women in this season argue was. Well, not all of them, just the four people that they ever actually let speak.
— Bachelor Sloth (@date_card) March 6, 2019
Caelynn points out that Katie’s comments about people not being ready for marriage gave ~everyone~ relationship issues because she didn’t name names, which is fair. Nice to see Caelynn is still continuing her campaign for the Bachelorette and Katie has receipts. Reality Steve has already told us who it is, though (spoiler: not her). Looks like she’s about to be blindsided *again.*
Demi is the first person to apologize for something — calling Courtney the cancer of the house — before calling her the bedbug of the house. I swear to God, I heard Chris Harrison laugh.
Courtney shoved a pacifier in Demi’s mouth, meaning she’s still bitter enough that she went and bought a pacifier for this exact purpose. (More accurately: the producers gave it to her, but still.) Like, why is she so obsessed with her?
— Hillary Clinton (@HillaryClinton) March 5, 2019
Demi gets her time in the hot seat, and this montage of her best moments reminds me why I want her as my emergency contact. How dare they make Demi cry!
Demi calls herself a promiscuous person and says that the fact that she’s confident in herself enough to even say that is proof of her maturity. She was more ready to marry Colton than Cassie was (way, way more ready), but no one took her seriously because she’s a fun, loud person instead of silently pretty. If you’re anti-Demi, you are anti-women!
DEMI IS GOING TO PARADISE, B*TCHES!
Chris is being strangely sympathetic to Nicole, who was annoying, sorry. She is *not* the reigning queen of crying in Bachelor Nation, that will forever be Ashley I., even if she’s happy now. They reward Nicole’s bad behavior by giving her a year’s supply of Halo Top Ice Cream to make her stop crying, which is unfair.
Nick Viall did a Halo Top commercial about how love isn’t real, prompting my roommate to ask “Is he okay?” at the same time as the children on screen. A valid question.
— Erin Dobbs (@ErinDobby) March 6, 2019
If you don’t like hints of spoilers or haven’t heard of Reality Steve (why are you here?), skip the next paragraph.
They now make the case for Hannah B. to be the next Bachelorette, which my roommate points out Middle Americans will love, making her right for the second time tonight. Her hair and makeup look phenomenal tonight, and producers clearly hired someone to help her. Hannah B. makes a good case for why America should love her, but I’m still not totally on board with what may or may not be announced during “After The Final Rose.”
Caelynn gets her time in the hot seat, but what I want for her is ANSWERS. She really got blindsided in favor of Tayshia, and Caelynn’s response is showing why she deserves to be the Bachelorette even if she’s a little too perfect to be entertaining. We all support her. When Demi gives a standing ovation, Bachelor Nation gives a standing ovation.
— pey (@ashtonpeyton_) March 6, 2019
Demi is super mature when she says hi to Colton, and then totally shades Courtney by introducing her to Colton since they’ve never spoken. Chris then gives Courtney the opportunity to speak, the engraved invitation she’s been asking for, and the b*tch STILL DOESN’T SPEAK. Caelynn cries when asking for answers, and I believe her even though it seems a little forced. Colton looks good, like really good, but him reassuring Caelynn that she was special isn’t helping the situation. He says she appreciates her security, which is rude but also probably pretty true considering Cassie left him alone with his fence. Caelynn realizes that she loved him and he didn’t love her, and Colton doesn’t correct her. #JusticeForCaelynn
Hannah B. is mature and wishes Colton the best, because White Bread can’t really be that offensive, and her campaign for The Bachelorette continues. Colton apologizes to everyone because he could have done things better (a man’s a man, so obviously he could’ve done *a lot* of things beter), but they all forgive him because he’s a cute virgin and it’s not his fault that he’s always confused. He’s like a dog. No, actually, he’s that rat that was too fat and got stuck in a manhole. Adorable, but you’re not sure why or how.
Sydney, who’s lowkey funny sometimes, asks him if he’s still a virgin, and we are left hanging.
I wasn’t going to recap the bloopers, but I’m worried someone was trying to KILL the cast of The Bachelor this season. The amount of booms, rigs, and *people* falling from the sky and nearly beaming these contestants in the head is ridiculous, and we might have a Nancy Drew mystery on our hands. Also, Colton says “Nailed It!” a lot for someone who’s never nailed anyone.