The Bachelorette Week 2 Recap: Always Beat Cam!
Good afternoon to Mike and Mike alone.
Last night ‘Bama Bachelorette, Hannah B., uttered a total of eight and a half words (an all-time record) and Cam creeped the hell out of us with his eyeballs that are trying to (rightfully so) get outta that skull of his!
As Luke P. does his best Justin Bieber impression and proves that you really do either have the beauty or the brains, store brand Garrett Yrigoyen (the winner of Becca Kufrin’s season), Garrett, rattles off a bunch of names I haven’t learned yet for the group date. The chosen boys are then corralled into a theatre where they are greeted by the Princess of Sheer Blouses, Hannah who tells them what I didn’t know I was waiting my entire life for: RuPaul’s Drag Race star Alaska Thunderf*ck, Alyssa Edwards, and ANTM icon Miss Jai will be helping them prepare for a Mr. Right pageant.
I wonder who on the production team had to break it to these men that the bodacious babes on stage were, in fact, drag queens, but ABC really should’ve shown us their reactions. It seemed like the only one who knew who these icons were was Mike, coincidentally the only one in the house who seems to groom himself. If you look close enough when they zoom in on Luke P., you can see him visibly clench which would have been great for his tuck IF THEY ACTUALLY MADE THE MEN DO DRAG, which, in my opinion, they should have.
But a speedo fashion show I will also take.
Someone made the right decision to leave Alyssa Edwards in a room alone with a profusely-sweating Luke P., proving that this season’s producers aren’t here to make friends, either. Can he use toxic masculinity as his talent? While the rest of the men perform a series of circus acts, I watch as my soul leaves my entire body at the sight of Mike asking Alaska if he can try on her heels and proceed to twerk for her in a pair of clown pants. If you ever needed a reason to start watching The Bachelor franchise, there it is.
So now I want Mike to win, or at the very least make top four because, let’s face it, he is a black man.
But there’s also something about Jed that is just indescribably loveable. Is it that he looks like Justin Timberlake and Robin Thicke had a baby? Is it because he’s singing a ballad about Hannah’s hands with Alaska Thunderfuck and I’m two glasses of rosé in? I can overlook a fedora for a good man on a guitar.
All I know is the only one that deserves to be there is Alaska.
It is not lost on me that the men are organized on this stage from teeniest baby to beefiest boy. After what felt like 20 years but was actually only a tad longer than Nick Viall and Vanessa Grimaldi’s engagement, the entire judge panel is drenched in sweat and all of the men are going home with a participation medal because we’ve reached a time in Bachelor history where everyone — leading single, contestants, and producers — are millennials. That is except Chris Harrison, but he’s doing the most to conceal that fact so the point still stands.
On to the talent portion where John Paul Jones confirms my conspiracy theory that he is, in fact, Thackery Binx from Hocus Pocus as he rides around on a rusted unicycle from the 17th century.
I would like to rescind my earlier statement regarding Jed’s musical abilities. Behind every man in heels is a weaker, much shorter man who is trying to carry a tune. He is every boy I had a crush on in community college theatre: Just good enough.
But that’s not as tone deaf as Luke P.’s talent! Professing his love for Hannah B. on the
And then he wins! Because she believes him! I am, like many of the people on this show, without words! But sometimes you just have to watch your girl make the wrong decisions. Maybe in the end the love Hannah finds is within herself, but it’ll probably be Luke P.
Tyler G. gets the one-on-one where they take a helicopter ride to “sling some mud” and then they spend the remaining few hours agreeing with one another. Hannah comes clean to one of the Tylers and tells him that, unlike most women in the Bachelor franchise, she would like to be a mother. This is on top of, I’m assuming, her impending FabFitFun partnership. Women can have it all.
Fred Willard got to come out of the little room ABC keeps him in for his umpteenth Bachelor appearance and impresses all of us as he strings together the longest sentence this season. Granted we’re only on episode two, but I have high hopes! If the roller derby tournament teaches us anything, it’s that performing well does not ensure your safety because sexy Groot, Daron still somehow manages to go home. 🙁
Date-less Cameron (whose name I only learned because he played the harmonica at us without consent) is at the forefront for Villain of the Season and if I’m tracking this notorious story arc as closely as I track my cycle, he’ll be on a two-on-one with Garrett next week, Hannah will question if she’s gonna be able to roll this tide the next, and then on episode five, we can finally take a shower and pretend it never happened as he storms off in his car to edit his Instagram grid to reemerge at the finale, Paradise ready.
Cam pulls a classic “When I want something I go after it” and crashes the group date and, in case that wasn’t bad enough, brings carnations.
Can we just acknowledge that “When I want something I go after it” is really just code for “I am physically incapable of respecting boundaries”?
Cam waits patiently outside the group date as all the men line up to respectfully rip him a new one. I don’t know what these guys are more butthurt about: falling for two hours during roller derby or having their time eaten up by Cam ABCing all over the place. But he’s offering Hannah what no other Bachelorette has been given: Food.
Despite her poor judgment, production is doing such a good job because no matter how hard I try or how much wine I drink, I still really like Hannah. And she’s getting so good at giving toasts. There is something so genuine and uncomfortably relatable about her inability to form a coherent thought when she’s drunk or nervous or hungry. I really think she’ll make a detox tea company really happy someday.
I’d like to keep Jed and Mike in our thoughts as we approach week three.
We must rise up and defeat Cam. A-B-C: Always Beat Cam.