The Bachelorette Week 5: The Luke-Ness Monster

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Good morning, everyone!
Did anyone else accidentally get wine drunk Monday only to find out basketball took priority over The Bachelorette? Women can’t have it all! It has been a long week so if you need a refresher here is the recap for week four.

We left off at the cocktail party where Luke P. is feuding with pretty much everybody. Bachelorette Hannah Brown (but probably production) decides to pull both Luke P. and Luke S. aside to set the record straight and hopefully end this feud for good. What should have been an opportunity to be the bigger man turned into the two of them yelling over one another as Hannah literally slips out of the room unnoticed. After a heated discussion, Chris Harrison appears to let the men know that the cocktail party is over and they’ll be going directly into the rose ceremony.

And if a week and a day wasn’t enough waiting (thanks, Steph Curry!) Luke S. pulls Hannah aside before she can even begin the rose ceremony to plead his case against Luke P. AND THEN HE WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS AND LEAVES. We don’t get to hear his reason for leaving, but when Hannah returns to the men she tells them she doesn’t want people who don’t want to be there and Chris Harrison ominously takes a rose away. OMG.

Hannah admits that while everyone sees Luke P.’s red flags, including her, she can’t overlook their chemistry. But it’s hard not to have chemistry with a sociopathic, beefed-up Justin Bieber when you’re not allowed to have sex for a couple weeks. It happens to the best of us.

I’m really sad we live in a world where John Paul Jones loses to Luke P., but I’m excited to see what he and his nuggets bring to Bachelor in Paradise this summer.
With the departure of Luke S., John Paul Jones, and a third man Twitter told me was named Matteo, the gang is ready to embark on their first international trip. Off to Scotland! I hope Mike gets to wear a kilt or maybe for our sake Luke P. forgets his passport.

Hannah says that while she’s abroad she hopes to channel the leadership and strength of Mary Queen of Scots, who was beheaded by her men. I, for one, think Hannah has proven to us that she’s already lost her head. You go, girl!

Peter pretending he is an airplane. Again. ABC

The men touch down in Scotland and right up top Luke P. hits the men with one of his classic ‘This Is A Misunderstandings’ which doesn’t go over well. Luke P. — wow I guess just Luke now — does this weird thing the entire episode where he simultaneously repeats the same thing over and over and changes his story drastically every retelling. The spat ultimately ends with Jed asking Luke to keep their names out of his mouth.


Meanwhile, Mike and Hannah are off to explore Scotland together and Mike is grinning like a kid in a candy store. Which is exactly where they’re headed! Hannah and Mike spend the afternoon reading poems, sampling sour candies and drinking whiskey while chatting up the locals who thankfully trick the two into eating haggis. Well, I guess Hannah has someone’s heart.


Back at the house, the men collectively decide to watch what they say in front of Luke for fear of being taken out of context. Men. They’re just like us. Bonding over finding a common enemy.

Back to the date, Mike and Hannah watch the sunset over the water and make out. Hannah’s bottom lip really gets around this episode. They head to “dinner” which production hasn’t even bothered to stage this time and Mike tells Hannah that after having not been in love for nearly half a decade, he’s willing to let his guard down with her. Mike’s feelings are growing at a terrifying rate and he can see himself getting down on one knee within the next few weeks. (Which is a wild concept to me considering I don’t even know what I’m having for dinner tomorrow.) Seriously, how did a specimen as perfect as Mike end up on The Bachelorette? He’s like 90% God and 10% Teeth. The perfect ratio.

There’s a knock at the door of the boys’ crowded Holiday Inn suite, and the date card they receive reads “Devon, Tyler, Jed, Dylan, Grant, Connor, Dustin, Peter, Kevin, Garrett. Love is a Battlefield.” This means that Luke will have a one-on-one in two days, but more importantly that Luke and Mike will be locked in a room together for the entire day while the others are away and I can’t wait.

Mike and Hannah are wrapping up their date. “I know who I am and I know what I want and I’m really ready,” he tells Hannah, who has the nerve and enough alcohol in her system to offer him a weak “Thank you for saying that.” She still gives him the rose and they celebrate with Highland dance.

In the morning, the men head to an open field surrounded by axes and targets. A Scottish battle reenactor called Charlie tells the men they’ll be playing ancient Celtic games. The closed captioning then passed that information along to me. But jokes on you, Charlie, they’ve been playing games all season! They’ll be spending their day showing off their strength and everyone breathes a sigh of relief that Luke is back at home. Speaking of back at home, Mike grills Luke about the consistency of his stories, but once again, Luke makes like John Paul Jones on a unicycle and backtracks the hell out of that.

Hannah puts all of the men on the group date, but more specifically Tyler C., in a kilt for this challenge. And she’s making them wrestle one another in them! :)! And some of the men have chosen to go commando. Thanks, Connor.


Jed carries milk the best and, after fake-losing a wrestling match to Hannah, wins the Celtic game thing. This recap is starting to sound like I forced a bot to watch 100 hours of The Bachelorette.

Hannah gives a toast to “continuing to develop other relationships” without the presence of Luke. Developing relationships must have been code, though, because she spends the rest of the evening making out with every guy. Except for Kevin, who accidentally walks in on Hannah straddling Jed. Poor Kevin hasn’t even kissed the girl yet, but he walks back to the living room with his tail between his legs.

Up next is Peter who awkwardly shoves Hannah into an overhead light and then onto a pool table before she climbs on top (are you seeing the same pattern I am?). Followed by Pilot Pete is Tyler C., who once again ends up pinned under Hannah, but this time on a bed which is super risque this early on the season! She’s clinging onto these dudes like she’s the polyester blend gown she’s got on. Ultimately, Hannah gives the group date rose to Jed, who she says continues to impress her. She leaves the date reflecting on how pleasant things are without Luke present.

Luke prepares for his one-on-one and attempts to make conversation with the men about how their date went yesterday because his iOS update says that’s how humans earn points and develop relationships. The men offer very little and, before he leaves, they ask him to keep their names out of his mouth.


“He is very much disliked by every other man in the house, he doesn’t always express his emotions, he always tries to seem perfect, and he comes off really fake,” Hannah says at the top of the date — which sounds promising, but is directly followed by: “Either today is the first one-on-one with my future husband or it’s the first and last one-on-one with Luke.” Those are the options she has given herself and if she picks her men like she picks her earrings, I give up.

Hannah spends a frustrating amount of time attempting to get Luke to talk about his feelings. At one point, Hannah has to physically remove herself and ask production to step in to maybe turn him off and then turn him on again, but eventually, they coerce her into going back.

Luke tells Hannah that everywhere he’s ever been, everyone loves him. Which seemed to make Hannah as angry as it made my fiancé and I. Hannah spends the rest of the date frustrated with Luke. She even admits that she wishes she could send him home like she has all the other men who have pissed her off, but she’s worried that somewhere inside this empty robot is her soulmate. I, along with the rest of America, know that it isn’t soulmate, but a mix of protein powder and bullsh*t — and someone who is undoubtedly perfect for a Bachelor in Paradise villain storyline.

Hannah and her earring decision. ABC

The episode ends with Hannah trying her hardest to get Luke to say anything outside of his five pre-installed phrases and before the episode ends, she says that she doesn’t have any reason to give Luke a rose which feels good. But Hannah left the house with white plastic hearts in her ears so her judgment feels violently off. Maybe the man she needs is Tan France.

Is the Luke-Ness Monster history?

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