The Bachelorette Week 8:
Bologna & Beefs

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Last night Hannah Brown and Co. journeyed to the Netherlands because even the network felt that everyone needed to just smoke some weed and chill out. Last week we were in Riga, Latvia. You can read up on that here.

It’s the week before hometowns which means that three men will be savagely ripped from our arms before we can meet his mother and get too attached. This is weighing heavy on Hannah who feels that she hasn’t opened up to the men yet. We’re down to Connor, Luke, Garrett, Mike, Tyler, Jed, and Peter.

Jed gets the first one-on-one and there was not a guitar in sight! During their date, they conveniently sit next to an elderly couple that says they tied the knot after knowing each other for only ten days and have managed to stay married for 54 years. Don’t encourage her, fam! Ten days is also how long it took Jed to stop answering his girlfriend’s calls when he got on the show. Boom. Roasted.

But despite Jed’s evil plan to force his music onto America, Hannah makes a statement. And it isn’t the necklace. She’s falling in love with him! Yikes! Hannah gives Jed the rose which means he will be bringing Hannah home to meet his family. I wonder which parent Jed inherited his forehead from.

It’s time for Hannah’s one-on-one with Tyler now and they’re riding on horseback through the Hague, eating ice cream cones, and dry heaving pickled herring that they dared each other to eat. They don’t eat much on the show, but when they do it’s some bold choices that really highlight how much these mics pick up. After some difficulty driving the horse, Hannah grills Tyler on what has held him back from opening up. Tyler tells Hannah that it’s difficult not to feel insecure and compare himself to other guys in the house. It doesn’t feel like enough for Hannah because she continues to break down those walls at “dinner.” Tyler tells Hannah about how his parents’ lack of communication pushed them apart and Hannah offers that her parents also struggle with communication in their marriage. Take that, Baby Boomers! Tyler receives a rose and secures his spot for hometowns.

Before the date ends, a date card is delivered to the men back at the hotel notifying them that Mike will be on the next one-on-one. This doesn’t sit well with Connor (he’s the one who left Post-Its all over Hannah’s hotel room when she was sick so she gave him a pity rose and he hasn’t really done much since) and he bolts out of the room. Peter follows him out and Connor tells him that he doesn’t feel comfortable introducing Hannah to his family after another group date. When Tyler and Hannah get back from their date, Connor decides to head to Hannah’s hotel room. Maybe he figured because it worked out last time, he’d try his luck again. Unfortunately, Hannah just doesn’t see it with Connor. Me neither, girl. She tearfully sends him home and now I’m frantically worrying who the other two will be.

Hannah begins her day a little apprehensive which is troubling this late in the season. She spends her morning with Mike bike riding to an art studio where they take turns drawing horrifying caricatures of each other before draping themselves in satin and posing for a professional artist.

Art is love, Mike. But art is also subjective.

The night portion of the date begins with Hannah walking around the Museum Mauritshuis where she’s taking in the art pieces before settling on one of St. Catherine standing in front of a group of fighting men. It is a tense and artistic shot that I personally feel was too cerebral for this demographic. This isn’t the Cannes Film Festival. I know Mike is going home. Otherwise, we don’t get him as the Bachelor.

Mike walks in on a tearful Hannah and despite knowing what was coming, he asks her to sit down and just talk. She tells Mike that she can’t go home and meet his mother, grandmother, and sister and confidently see herself as his fourth lady. After their heartfelt goodbye Mike THANKS HER FOR HER HONESTY and leaves. He leaves all of us. Just like that. It’s over. No more Mike.

Back at the hotel, Luke says that if production came in to retrieve Mike’s luggage it would make his day and he (once again) gets exactly what he wants. This means that there will only be 3 guys on the group date. There are now two roses. And I have not a shred of respect left for this woman. And you all thought Rachel Lindsay was unlikable?

The group date begins with Luke pulling Hannah aside and Hannah immediately makes a massive mistake. She asks a vague question about how he is doing so now he has to throw someone under the bus again. Luke tells Hannah that Garrett told Luke he has been fake to him this entire time. This strikes a chord with Hannah because all she wanted was for these men to be real and that is the opposite of fake and if Garrett is fake then he can’t be real, right? Hannah confronts Garrett about what Luke had said and after he condemns her for making it the “Luke P Show” again, she apologizes. Jeez.

An apology when you’ve done nothing wrong and have the upper hand can only mean one thing.

Garrett and Luke get into a heated argument where they angrily make puns about baloney to each other (you figure that one out) before Luke throws a handful of baloney into Garrett’s lap. Their charcuterie boards are just a stack of Oscar Mayer deli slices but they’ve been weaponized.

Peter makes the smart decision to steer clear of the drama and secures the group date rose by just talking to Hannah. That’s all you have to do to win this show, guys. Just listen to the person talk and say “thank you for sharing that with me” until Neil Lane comes out of his little room ABC keeps him in to help you cobble a ring. Stop overcomplicating it with your baloney fights.

Tyler sees Peter come back to the hotel and does Hannah’s signature run and jump into Pilot Pete’s strong arms. I really see a connection there. Peter says that he’s confident that Garrett will be returning with a rose tonight. But Garrett is getting a little too cocky gloating in Luke’s face and talking about how excited he is to bring Hannah to Birmingham. I mean she’s from Tuscaloosa, man. Do you think she hasn’t driven an hour to Birmingham?

During his alone time with Hannah, Luke comes clean about his decision to be born again, but unfortunately, you can’t abort those. Especially not in Alabama! In the end, it is Luke who gets the last group date rose and Garrett is sent packing.

Next week is hometowns, guys! We finally get to meet Peter’s incredible parents, but more importantly, the things that manufactured Luke. Bye!

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