The Bachelorette Week 9: Hometown Heroes
Good morning, everyone. Last night was the much-anticipated hometowns episode where we got to meet the families of Hannah Brown’s top four finalists. In case you aren’t caught up, here’s a link to last week’s recap.
If Fantasy Suites are the SuperBowl then Hometowns are the playoffs. You and your team have to do well or you don’t get a chance to score.
Peter is up first which means Hannah is traveling to Westlake Village, California. Hannah says that when she played with her Barbie dolls as a kid, Peter was the kind of man she envisioned herself with.
“He’s like a handsome pilot who’s like sweet and successful and also sexy,” she gushes.
Peter whisks Hannah into a customized sports car my fiancé told me was a Mercedes and, after some admirable snooping, Hannah finds a condom in the center compartment. It’s reassuring to know that Peter is safe because today he will be taking Hannah on a flyover tour of Los Angeles on his literal airplane.
“That’s where we met,” Peter motions to an aerial shot of the mansion as he steers the plane with one hand and kisses Hannah with the head he’s supposed to be using to drive. Strictly from a travel standpoint, Peter is a good option for Hannah.
After their date, it’s time for Hannah to meet his family, and no surprise here, they are also absolutely adorable. Apart from the German pre-dinner chanting that felt more like an outtake from Midsommar, their enthusiastic support and trust for Peter are a nice contrast to their concerns that Peter may get hurt. In a tender moment with his mother, Peter admits that he loves Hannah and he feels that he may have found his person, but is reluctant to admit his feelings because he was hurt in his past relationship. It’s very clear to me that Peter is his mother’s favorite. As Peter’s wonderful mother Barbara gives Hannah her blessing, Peter and his dad — also Peter — have a tearful heart-to-heart about the dangers of wearing his heart on his sleeve. We love men who cry!
In the last moments of their date, Peter struggles to say the L word and he walks Hannah to the car without having reached the next stepping stone of their relationship (and a necessary stepping stone to reach Fantasy Suites). “When it feels right it’ll happen. I just really hope it’s not too late,” Peter says ominously as we go to commercial. Me too, Peter. I really want Hannah to have sex with you.
Up next we’re headed to Jupiter, Florida where Tyler unfortunately still has his shirt on, but hopefully not for long because he’s taking Hannah for a ride on his boat. Wow, first a plane and now a boat. What will Luke and Jed drive? Americans crazy? As Tyler and Hannah slather sunscreen on one another in their teeny swimsuits, Hannah shares in her talking head that the sexual attraction between the two of them is undeniable. What she hopes to discover today is whether or not Tyler is ready for marriage.
The pair takes a dip in the water where Tyler casually points out the waterfront mansion he grew up in and crash a ska band’s set before heading to the second portion of their date. Tyler looks forward to seeing his dad who was in a coma shortly before he left for filming and was unable to speak due to a paralyzed vocal cord.
Tyler’s family warmly greets the two of them as Tyler beelines directly to his father for a heartfelt reunion. “It’s good to see you, buddy. I love you,” Tyler’s dad says as he embraces his son. Tyler feels that his dad getting sick really put things into perspective for him. He wants his father to see him get married and have kids, so hopefully, Hannah can be that person so he can go back to being an Instagram thot full-time. America deserves it. Tyler’s dad Jeff tells him that despite his fear that his son may get hurt, he can see that what Tyler and “Miss Hannah” have is the real deal. Tyler’s brothers, collectively an 8, vouch for their older sibling during their sit down with Hannah. They tell Hannah about how Tyler stepped up when their dad got sick and that the natural next step would be an engagement.
As Tyler and his mother discuss the possibility of that next step, Jeff tells Hannah that if everything works out they have the family’s love and support. Man, the dads got all the good monologues this episode. Before Hannah leaves, they share a steamy makeout session in the car, but Tyler lets Hannah go without professing his love for her. He wants to say it when he’s ready. That’s 0/2!
Now we’re on to hour two and it’s time for our two least favorite boys. Up first we’re headed to Gainesville, Georgia to see what the hell happened to Luke. A question he immediately answers. “Every Sunday before church we have Sunday School and you’re gonna be a part of it,” he tells a woman who was rubbing lotion on a man’s bare chest yesterday and taking a private plane ride the day before that. Luke brings Hannah to a restaurant Yelp tells me has a breakfast buffet so he can bear his testimony in front of all of his closest friends. Luke talks about a time where he was entangled in sin, but Jesus came to him in a hole in his shower and told him to let go and follow him. This is the moment that Luke feels made him the man he is today and truthfully I have a ton of questions about that shower now. Hannah’s mind is put at ease when all of his church friends speak to Luke’s character and his ability to befriend anyone and everyone despite what we’ve seen in eight other episodes of this show. Before they leave, the group kneels around Luke and says a prayer. But that won’t work, guys. I’ve been having Luke prayer circles all season and it hasn’t worked. The idiot is still there.
It’s time to meet Luke’s family, who apart from the fact that they kiss on the mouth, seem relatively normal. They all sit down and ask the two of them to share their story. Hannah is pretty candid about the ups and downs and downs and downs of their relationship. Luke’s dad Mike is upset to hear about his son’s struggle to be himself in the house and he tells his son to thank the Lord for Hannah. Luke tells his father that when he looks at Hannah he sees Miss Parker and I know he meant Mrs. Parker, but honestly it’s just impressive his iOS even makes him capable of forming relationships with humans, let alone sentences! Luke’s brother and Jim Carrey look-alike Mike, reassures Hannah that all of the qualities she’s looking for in a partner have already been downloaded and are ready for immediate use on her Luke.
After Luke tells his shockingly gorgeous mother Elizabeth that he is in love with Hannah, he offers Hannah an apology for what he’s put her through this season (what about us, Luke?)… and then he tells her that he loves her. They share a passionate kiss and as she heads off in her car, Hannah shares in her confessional that she is falling in love with him, too. Goddamn it. What do they put in those earrings of yours?
We finally touch down in Nashville, Tennessee to watch Jed awkwardly dodge his very recent ex-girlfriend with a woman he has known nine weeks. This should be interesting. Jed decides to bring Hannah to a recording studio which is not Sunday School but is certainly not making out in an airplane or the ocean. Jed and Hannah will be writing and recording a song about their love story. It’s about kissing on cobblestone streets and I’d say Hannah said about as much as DJ Khaled does in his songs. After they lay down their hot track, Jed tells Hannah that he loves her.
Jed’s entire family have gathered to meet Hannah and there is some initial push back against the couple from Jed’s mother and sister AKA my new best friends.
“When you stick to your truth, it is beneficial to everybody,” Jed’s mother offers during her shady little toast. Hannah tells his mother during their one-on-one that she loves her son.
“Do you say that to all of them?” she shoots back.
It’s clear that Jed’s mom Gina is not at all on board with this relationship and Jed’s sister shows even less interest, simply offering that it isn’t the best decision for Jed to be with her. Jed’s family is concerned that a relationship with Hannah would stand in the way of his music career. But speaking as someone who has ears, I think Jed’s music is standing in the way of his music career. Jed’s mother tells her son that she didn’t offer Hannah her blessing and they awkwardly leave having not gotten a single member of his family on board with their nine-week love story. Honestly, he should choose marriage over a career. 100%. It’s an inverted Mrs. Maisel.
We’re finally back at the mansion. Ah, the sweet smell of a freshly hosed driveway. Hannah goes into the rose ceremony hoping that she’ll figure out who she wants to continue on with when she gets there but struggles to make a decision. After handing out roses to Peter and Tyler, Hannah leaves the room only to return telling them that she can’t give out a final rose. Chris Harrison walks in and places two roses he just ran out to the garden to prune for the Queen of Costume Jewelry. “I want to continue on with all of you,” Hannah says.
Hannah feels that sending home Jed or Luke would mean cutting ties with someone who she wasn’t done with. This means all four men are headed into next week’s Fantasy Suites. It’s also time for the windmill scene and I can’t wait. See you then!