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The Bachelorette Week 4: Luke Vs. Luke

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ABC

Good morning, Bachelor Nation. If you skipped last night’s episode then you missed a lot of drama. So let’s jump in. If you missed last week, too, then read our Bachelorette recap for week three before you continue. Seriously, it’s important.

The guys discuss Cam’s departure and naively breathe a sigh of relief that all the drama is gone and we can all start behaving like adults. But joke’s on you, gentlemen! Those of us who have drunkenly obsessed over every season know that there are at least three more feuds in this neat little story arc.

Chris Harrison and his plaid shirt stroll in and tell the men that they’ll be headed somewhere known for their rich and powerful residents which can only mean one thing! You guessed it: Rhode Island. The boys hop on the quickest plane ride in the franchise’s history and, after a very short montage of a lighthouse and some birds, they end up in a shared beachfront Airbnb. Seriously what was the budget this season? Is Halo Top not bringing in the big bucks?

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ABC

A date card is delivered and notifies Jed that he’ll be headed to Boston for their one-on-one date. Hannah must have caught wind that there was very little to do in Rhode Island. When Jed arrives for their date, the Duchess of Charlotte Russe, Hannah Brown gives him a tour of the city rife with made-up facts about American history. Who knew the biggest threat to patriotism would be a drunk blonde girl in a studded leather jacket?

At one point I realized that Jed hadn’t really said much the entire first half of this date, but that moment was directly followed by Hannah getting on all fours to tell him — without a hint of sarcasm — that this was the exact spot Benjamin Franklin did his first interview and all I wanted was for her to continue.

After some quick product placement from Halo Top, Hannah and Jed head to a pub to share a pitcher (of beer, not quote-unquote the healthier alternative to regular ice cream). This, I’ve discovered, has become my favorite part of the episode because it means that Hannah is about to get even wackier and there’s nothing I support more than a white girl in a statement jacket living her best life under the influence.

And I was right! Because for the next portion of the date, Hannah brings Jed to play a game of basketball with Boston Celtics players Terry Rozier and Jaylen Brown, who are both very cute. Hey, NBA, we’ll give you Luke P. in exchange for either or both. He makes great defense, but is also very good at being offensive.

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ABC

Back to the crowded Airbnb, where John Paul Jones reads off the group date card. Beautifully, I might add. John Paul Jones is the Meryl Streep of reading date cards because he carefully pauses after he reads off the name Luke. Which Luke?! P. or Mentally Stable?

Oh. It’s both.

It’s night time now and Hannah and Jed are pretending to have dinner. This time is typically used for contestants to really be vulnerable and lay all their cards out on the table. But in Jed’s case, the cards are his mixtapes. He tells Hannah that while he was open to finding love on this show, he actually saw it as a platform for his music. Jed tells Hannah that he feels something growing inside of himself that he’s never felt before which would have been really disturbing on last week’s male pregnancy date, but is very sweet in this context. Hannah appreciates his honesty because let’s face it, they’re all there to promote a brand. Whether that be their own or Halo Top. Halo Top. An ice cream so delicious you’ll want to eat the whole pint… and you can! Because it’s only 320 calories!


In the morning, the men head out to an open field at a former Army post where they discover that they’ll be playing rugby. No helmets, no pads, no water breaks, full contact. I’m learning a lot about sports this episode. Tune in next week when I recap the Warriors vs. Raptors.

Luke P. surprises no one (except for maybe the camera person) and gets too invested in the game and ultimately attacks Good Luke (S.). There are a few different versions of the story. Luke P. insists that he was acting in self-defense and that Luke S. was, in fact, the aggressor in the scenario.


However, the men throw Luke P. under the bus faster than he body slammed Luke S. onto that field. Luke P.’s aggression is starting to be a cause for concern for the other men in the house and they’re starting to address toxic masculinity in a way I honestly have never seen on this show. It sobered me up real fast, which obviously means I need to pour another glass of wine because there is at least an hour left of this episode.

“You know everyone in here thinks you’re nuts, right?” Luke S. calmly asks Luke P., who needs to blink more or I’m going to break my TV set.

Hannah spends the evening trying to piece together the drama surrounding Luke P., but it’s ultimately Garrett who secures to group date rose for his ability to steer the conversation elsewhere. I feel that Mike deserves an honorable mention for referring to Luke P. as “that boy.” I aspire to be that petty. For the first time in history, former Bachelor (and yet still, also current bachelor) Nick Viall and I agree on something.


It’s morning AGAIN and Hannah has her one-on-one with Tyler C., but she’s feeling jolted over all of the drama going on in the house. Hannah says she’s having trouble trusting her judgment because for some reason she has the strongest feelings for Luke P. But don’t worry, Hannah! There are plenty of fish in the sea! And today you get to catch some with a hot Southern boy.

Tyler offers Hannah and a pair of strong arms and some encouraging words as they share an afternoon at the docks. Northern Florida boys are so hot. Their Southern charm paired with the sexy, acute danger only Florida can offer? Whew! End the show now, girl!

The men are prepping for the rose ceremony and I’m growing more and more frustrated with the number of them who decided to go with a salmon blazer. Seriously, how hard is it to touch base with one another in your shared room?


Mike and the gang but mostly Mike take turns grilling Luke P. on his behavior in the house. It seems that Hannah can see some truth in Luke P.’s story and isn’t willing to throw away what they have simply because a dozen men are telling her that this man is a violent, compulsive liar and also that everyone is worried that he is capable of murder.

But Hannah is so tempted to overlook all of the house drama because Luke P. does check all the boxes. On the dictionary.com definition for “psychopath.” (There’s a decent chance The Bachelorette producers told her she had to keep Luke P. around for the two-on-one, but also a good chance that this girl really shouldn’t be trusting her judgment.)


As the two Lukes continue to go at it, I realize that it’s finally 10 pm and we get to pick up here again next week. God, I really hope Luke P. goes home. But also Mike because I want him.

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