We can't get “Jam (Turn It Up)” out of our heads, but that's not because Kim Kardashian's foray into music was good. Kim K. wasn't the first celeb to try their hand at a music career and she certainly wasn't the last, but unlike Ryan Gosling, Zooey Deschanel, and Selena Gomez, they can't all be winners. We've found the worst celebrity singles ever released, but we can't blame these celebs for shooting their shots.
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The only thing creepier than this song is its music video, where a middle-aged David Hasselhoff tries to coerce a trio of girls to get into his car before kicking one out because she lives too far away. That's also the basic premise of the song itself, but there's something even weirder about seeing it actually happen. The song was a cover of an Australian number one from 1975, but the Hoff's 2006 version was just upsetting. It was never released stateside, probably in a failed attempt to hold onto whatever dignity he had left.
Listen to "Jump in My Car" on YouTube.
Paris Hilton bounced back from this nightmare of a debut single with a thriving career as a DJ, but we still remember when she thought it was a good idea to jump headfirst into reggae fusion. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Paris is the last person who should be anywhere near reggae. Her vocals are like if Gwen Stefani sucked on a helium balloon and fell down the stairs, but Paris is richer than any of us will ever be, so she can do whatever she wants TBH.
Listen to "Stars Are Blind" on YouTube.
In the early '80s, before Les Miserables reminded us that Russell Crowe should stay far, far away from the mic, he talk-sang his way through a twangy little diddy about how sad he is that he'll never be an action star. On the bright side, the artist formerly known as Russ le Roq did end up starring in over forty films and becoming an Oscar-winning actor. His band, 30 Odd Foot of Grunts, didn't fare quite as well, but they kept trying to make the music thing happen until the early '10s. Maybe this song should've been called "I Want To Be Like Morrisey."
Listen to "I Want To Be Like Marlon Brando" on YouTube.
Further proving that the Australian charts are always down for a laugh, Jennifer Love Hewitt's first single from her fourth studio album reached number six down under without any help from its multiple appearances on her show Ghost Whisperer. Jenn's vocals are pretty standard for 2002 — not great, but in a way you could consider a stylistic choice — and we've got to give props for her aggressively colorful scarf, wispy bangs combo in the music video. The lyrics are just so unforgivably bad. She compares telling a bad pick-up line to getting your car stolen, rhymes "away" and "day," and ends with the wonderful verb conjugation lesson of "I feel, you feel, we all feel." Listen, she tried.
Listen to "BareNaked" on YouTube.
VH1 described Eddie Murphy's collaboration with Michael Jackson, "Whatzupwitu," as a crime against music, but we're still trying to recover from his first single, "Party All the Time." It was made with human garbage fire Rick James who, despite his penchant for kidnapping and assaulting women, should honestly have been able to produce a better record than this. Guess he was too busy, you know, being a misogynist.
Listen to "Party All the Time" on YouTube.
I'm legitimately at a loss for words. Leonard Nimoy's albums weren't ever going to be good, but "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins" is actually a little scary. It sounds like something that would be played during an Orc orgy and is explained in one YouTube description as "perhaps the lowest moment on Leonard Nimoy's life." It's only a minute and a half long, but this prime example of '60s camp still managed to scar me for life.
Listen to "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins" on YouTube.
Bruce Willis managed to get The Temptations to provide backing vocals for his first album, The Return of Bruno, and even that didn't help this cover be anything other than confusing. It looks like a lot of '80s stars were being gassed up to try their hand at a music career, but Bruce really committed to the bit with an accompanying HBO mockumentary to promote the album. His singles live on as a relic of Reagan-era bad decision making.
Listen to "Respect Yourself" on Spotify.
Here's the deal. Ansel Elgort can sing. Like, he's actually got talent and should probably try the whole ~pop star~ thing again instead of focusing on his DJ persona, Ansølo. The problem with "Thief" is that it feels like a Disney star trying to prove they can have an adult career. We get it, you totally f*ck. Congrats, dude. 2017 was five years too late for a generic EDM grasp for attention, and he had the audacity to compare his song to David Bowie and Michael Jackson's music in Rolling Stone, and we're clearly still salty about it.
Listen to "Thief" on Spotify.
It's easy to forget that Kim Kardashian got famous for unadulterated clout chasing. The American royalty has tried to explain away "Jam (Turn It Up)" as a bit of fun she made to benefit St. Jude's Hospital because a finesser knows how to do damage control, and this track is damaged. You would think her billions of dollars would be able to buy more autotune. Or less? It's hard to pinpoint where exactly this song went wrong, but it's almost impressive that Kim managed to be flat and sharp at the same time.
Listen to "Jam (Turn It Up)" on Spotify.
If you need proof that Kim Kardashian is a world-class businesswoman, look no further than Heidi Montag. The once and future reality villain had the same opportunities to claw her way to the top and did essentially nothing right. "Superficial" is mesmerizingly tone-deaf, and we're not even talking about Heidi's vocals. Imagine if "7 Rings" had been recorded by the Cash Me Outside girl using the hamster Snapchat filter, then lower your expectations. Voila, you've got "Superficial" by Heidi Montag.
Listen to "Superficial" on YouTube.
It takes a special type of reality star to give themselves a title. We're fine with Lord Disick gassing himself up because he's hot (don't @ me), but imagine our *shock* when we learned that Countess Luann de Lesseps actually married a f*cking Count. She kept using the title after her divorce because that's the type of sh*t you do when your husband cheats on you with an Ethiopian princess. "Chic, C'est La Vie" was released two years after the affair, so we're going to give her a pass and assume the middle-aged white rapping was an ill-advised attempt to win the breakup.
Listen to "Chic, C'est La Vie" on Spotify.
We're not sure if the title of babywoman, Naomi Campbell's first and only album, was referring to the age-old phenomenon of creepy guys always calling you "Baby Girl" or the similarly classic aesthetic of hot girls trying to look like sexy adult babies, but *shockingly* it didn't land. This first single from the album is like the '90s answer to Selena Gomez's "Come And Get It." Similarly appropriative, but with a hint of adult new wave.
Listen to "Love & Tears" on Spotify.
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We honestly thought "Shake Ya Body" was going to be worse. Tyra Banks knows how to give a compelling performance and how to relate literally everything to America's Next Top Model, which is clear in the music video for "Shake Ya Body." Still, the latter didn't really help her win over skeptics that weren't sure she had what it takes to transition into music. Spoiler Alert: She didn't. We'd love to hear Beyoncé reimagine this track because it has some solid potential.
Listen to "Shake Ya Body" on Spotify.
Tweens that went straight from their Gossip Girl phase to their "It's not a phase, Mom!" phase will be familiar with this single by Taylor Momsen, the former Upper East Sider who proved that sometimes it really isn't a phase. It's lowkey creepy that a bunch of old bearded dudes decided to link up with a sixteen-year-old who hasn't worn pants since 2009, but "Make Me Wanna Die" definitely slaps if you don't think too hard about it and liked Evanescence unironically. That's a big if.
Listen to "Make Me Wanna Die" on Spotify.
We'll take Yung Smurf over this watered-down Bella Thorne single. The video shows hints of the trainwreck we'd come to know and love: We can see her bra, she briefly grinds on some random dude, she tells him she doesn't want to DTR. The song is basically Disney's version of endorsing casual hookups, which is hilarious, but we'd rather fast forward to real bangers like "B*tch, I'm Bella Thorne" or "Do Not Disturb" with Steve Aoki. It's what Bella would want. Plus, this track sounds like it's being played at 1.5x speed and is lowkey stressing us out.
Listen to "Call It Whatever" on Spotify.
"Shake That" loses us the moment Scheana Marie starts her intro, and it's just downhill from there. Honestly, how dare Ke$ha introduce the world to the white coked-out party girl rap and then just leave us with these D-List rip-offs of her vibe? #JusticeForKe$ha #BringBackTheDollar$ign. Like, no, Scheana, we neither like it nor need it. Scheana told Bravo this is a "twerking song," if you need any more reason to hate it. "Shake That" also vaguely reminds us of the verses in LaLa Kent's marginally better song "Boy," in case these two need another excuse to fight about "pasta."
Listen to "Shake That" on YouTube.