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Bachelor Recap Week 2: We’ve Got A Colton Underwood Conspiracy Theory

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Strap in, team. Episode two of The Bachelor is here, and without all of that “Mindy from Minnesota is watching from home and just loves Colton!” B.S. that the producers slid in during the premiere. Even Chris Harrison couldn’t trick us into thinking that we were the only ones who would rather watch a rock look for love than a benched NFL defensive end. Colton Underwood never even played when he was in the NFL… why are we not asking where all of his money came from? There’s no way an actual team paid him a million dollars to cry on the sidelines every time someone got injured. All I’m saying is, someone had to sell the Chargers their steroids…

Colton’s drug money aside, episode two started strong with the same shot of Colton taking a shower we’ve seen roughly twenty times already. We get it, he’s clean. Well, he’s a virgin so we already knew he was ~clean~ but the subliminal messaging has done its job and it’s time to move on to a new take of Colton naked under running water. The scene then cuts to Colton doing some weird Blair Witch Project hand-held camera confessional. This served nothing except to make viewers experience motion sickness and, once again, see that Colton never wears clothes. We’re all happy about it, sure, but just because he paid over $500 for a skincare regimen doesn’t mean the camera has to be so close to his face that we can see through his pores directly to his skull.

The girls this season are savages, with absolutely none of them pretending to be happy for the ones who were picked to go on the first group date and all of them looking borderline homicidal. Maybe this will finally be the season we get a Bachelor attempted murder! Is this what it looks like when the contestants actually want to marry the Bachelor and aren’t just here for a Sugar Bear Hair Care sponsorship? Being here ~for the right reasons~ looks pretty scary from where I’m sitting (comfortably on my couch wondering who I can blackmail into filming my audition tape for next season).

The first group date team is told they’re going to talk about their firsts because not having a first time is the only piece of information we’re allowed to know about Colton. A duo is in silhouette on the stage and just as I was wondering what crappy band the girls would have to feign interest in, Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally are lit up onstage. I, personally, am thrilled as a person with great taste and natural humor, but the girls don’t look like they have a clue who the people onstage are. If they’re this bad at acting, we really do know that they’re here for Colton and not their budding careers in Hollywood. The iconic comedians read some dirty poetry that was honestly a little gross, and Tracy doesn’t seem to know what’s going on at all which makes sense because she’s a boring racist (according to her own tweets, at least).

When the girls have to share a story of their ‘firsts’ in front of a couple hundred people, most of them get really sappy. Was this not supposed to be funny? Did they bring in Megan Mullally for nothing? We’re all supposed to feel bad for this wealthy, cis white man for having to come out of the closet as a virgin-by-choice. So sad. Elyse talks about how she’s 31, which is 96 in Bachelor years, but much like Betty White, Elyse could still get it. Nicole uses MY white bread joke. Do you think she reads this recap? Hi, Nicole! Onyeka tells the story of what literally happened last week, and I’m worried we’re going to have to hear about Colton drowning in bitches every episode until he finally cuts her loose because no contestants of color ever make it past episode seven. The Real Housewives impersonator tries to clap back, but we have more interesting villains to focus on right now. Tracy might be a pathological liar, and I was very concerned about what Demi was planning to say until she literally walked up to Colton and kissed him in front of everyone. Demi is a bold bitch and an icon who will literally never win this show but I cannot wait for her Paradise shenanigans.

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Tracy seems jealous and no fun, and if I have to hear her complain one more time about the basic way this show works, I’m turning off my television. Onto Demi’s one-on-one time with Colton, where she shares nothing of importance except what Lorelai Gilmore would classify as a super lame-o kiss. Compare that to Colton’s kiss with the surprisingly awesome (and down for aggressive amounts of tongue, apparently) Elyse, and Demi’s sense of confidence might let her down tonight. Onyeka and Tracy remain super pressed about Demi trying to be funny and “touching the rose” and jealousy looks about as good on them as yellow does on any white person who isn’t Demi. How does she pull yellow off without looking like she’s suffering from liver failure or a blood disease? It just isn’t fair! Anyway, Tracy says that she finds it “bizarre” that Demi would touch the group date rose, meanwhile I find it bizarre that Tracy thought it was okay to tweet the r-word.

Demi keeps saying “dominant” and there has to be a joke there somewhere, but I’m too distracted by how genuinely Colton is engaging with all of these women to really search for it. Is it bad that I see his direct eye contact and applied listening skills as a huge red flag? WHAT ARE YOU HIDING, COLTON?! We know being the Bachelor was his end-goal from the beginning of Becca Kufrin’s season, so I believe his earnest act as much as I believe the clearly copy-pasted compliments I get from guys on Tinder. Elyse gets the group date rose, and everyone is surprised except for the viewers. Onyeka will probably have to go pop three Ambien to calm herself down at the mansion, maybe Colton can sell her some before the date ends.

Miss Alabama Hannah’s birthday one-on-one is pretty uneventful in how completely awkwardly silent it is. The bombshell that Hannah and Caelynn were roommates at the Miss USA pageant means one of them is definitely psycho, and my money is on Hannah, who looks like if one hair goes out of place she might stab someone in the arm with her tiara. She’s so uncomfortable I feel like *I* am having an out of body experience. Just kiss him and stop not-talking already! But I also feel really bad for the girl, who is clearly as terrified of Colton as her ex-roommate is of her. I’ve seen girls look like Caelynn when talking about their ex-roommates, and there’s always a bowl of mold and a mental breakdown that’s given them serious roomie trust issues hiding behind those sad, scared eyes.

Colton likes Hannah for her “eyes and teeth” which isn’t serial killer-y at all. The more nervous Hannah becomes, the more her neck and chin become one entity. Colton “I’m A Virgin By Accident” Underwood is shocked that his intuition led him so astray here, but I counter that if his intuition is so great he wouldn’t be a virgin starring on an internationally broadcast dating show. Hannah gets a rose, but probably just because it’s her birthday and producers want to see if she loses it and pees in Caelynn’s bed by the end of this series. Part of me wonders if Hannah and Caelynn (who my roommate just pointed out looks like Chrissy Tiegen) are actually super tight and plotted to get onto the show together by manufacturing this feud.

Finally (finally), we get to the second group date. Thankfully, the clue was referring to summer camp and not camping. Billy Eichner appears to make Colton seem more ‘woke’ and less ‘seventh day adventist.’ The girls have to compete in “camp games” after soaking in Colton’s “hot Dad vibes” (the girl who said that needs therapy ASAP, I can give her my shrink’s number once she’s ready to admit she has a problem), and clearly the red team who dressed like the Riverdale cheerleading squad won against the yellow team, whose skirts would pass my Catholic high school’s dress code requirements. Real Housewife is legitimately concerned that someone is going to sleep with Colton *tonight* which is amazing. I am so excited to see what someone this confused is going to do when she realizes you can’t have sex until the tenth episode — only secret hand stuff when your mics are turned off. Heather’s friend is really supportive of her Never Been Kissed coming out, to the extent that I really wish I knew who the hell she was because she seems cool. Finally, Colton’s shower scene finally happened, so maybe now they’ll stop showing it.

We move to the cocktail party, where one girl is wearing a grey dress that looks like an Elephant costume and Onyeka thinks it’s really funny to blow an airhorn in people faces because she’s ~so horny~. Like, first of all, ew. But also, it’s 2019. Bad sh*t is happening everywhere, you can’t just go around blasting an airhorn without warning people first. Sydney reclaiming her time after Onyeka cuts in by banging pots and pans with a spoon was so iconic that I decided to actually learn her name. These girls are insane. Except for Bri, who must be really boring if the producers are really never going to show her talking.

Demi does her best Corinne impression and shows up in only a robe, sending Tracy into full-blown hysteria. Why? Like, really, why? Someone asked if Demi doesn’t have parents. Her mom is in JAIL for EMBEZZLEMENT, so I bet whoever said that felt pretty sh*tty later. Oops! The elephant dress girl also looks like she’s going to vom, and Demi has another awesome yellow outfit. In Demi’s own BDE words, she is amazing and worth the world and everyone else needs to stop taking this so seriously. She’s 23 and not going to win, let her have some fun and be the only reason I stayed awake for the past two hours. People are super simpy about Tracy and calling Demi rude and mean, and Demi plays along and “apologizes” for…. being a fun person? I do not like Tracy because of her tweet debacle and therefore love her pain. Comments on Demi’s Insta from other contestants show that she makes friends with the Hannahs and some other girls, so she not Satan, just an awesome person. She also probably makes it for a few more weeks (but if you’re playing fantasy Bachelor, don’t take my word for it!).

Alex B., Angelique, Annie, and Erika go home. I don’t know who any of those girls are, but the side view of Erika’s boob looked like a Fashion Nova advertisement and I’m shocked that someone with her great boobs personality didn’t make it one more week. Maybe Colton is an… actual person? Read these recaps to find out so you don’t have to suffer through watching Alabama Hannah try to speak again in real time.

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