Colton Underwood Bachelor Recap Week 3: Do You Even Lift, Bro?

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Another week, another two hours of my life wasted watching two dozen women pretend to care about Colton Underwood. There was not enough content to fill two hours of screentime, so producers decided to move their plot to get Alabama Hannah to finally snap and pour Nair on Caelynn‘s head up a few weeks to kill some time. The teaser for next week was more entertaining than this entire episode, so bear with me here.

The episode starts with Chris Harrison, aka Colton in thirty years, finally being allowed to do his job. After his mandated thirty seconds of screentime, he went back to his multi-million dollar mansion and robot butler while Katie, NBK Heather, Alabama Hannah, Courtney (literally, who?), Kirpa, Tracy the Racist, Demi, and Caelynn, go on the first group date of the episode. It’s amazing that Chris Harrison has my dream job — doing nothing for fifteen minutes and then taking a nap. Alabama Hannah is literally terrified of having to compete with Caelynn because Caelynn is confirmed better than Hannah in every way, at least according to Miss USA, my Bachelor watching group, and probably Hannah’s therapist. God, I hope that girl has a therapist. The group goes to Pirate’s Dinner Adventure, which is roughly as creepy as it sounds. Thankfully, there were no animatronic wife beaters Jack Sparrows, but there was Colton, dressed like a virgin on a boat. I legitimately meant to type pirate instead of virgin, but that was a strong Freudian slip and I’m keeping it in there.

Producers try to get the Caelynn-Hannah feud to escalate early by giving them sticks and telling them to hit each other, but Caelynn knows what’s up and instead spends her precious time flirting with the guy she’s trying to date. Did you know that if you look directly into Caelynn’s abs, you’ll go blind? Hannah is *literally* shocked when Caelynn’s flirting works and Caelynn gets chosen for the honor of getting to perform in a pirate dinner theatre show. Oh, did I write honor? I meant horror. Silly autocorrect. The producers’ scheme works. Even though I’m sure they would’ve rather seen Hannah finally snap and beat Caelynn with her weird boxing stick, Hannah’s spiral goes more of the “spreading rumors behind Caelynn’s back route” and deciding to tell Colton that Caelynn is a snake. While Hannah is firmly rooted in her insecurity, on the complete opposite end of the spectrum we have Demi, who reminds us that she is life’s greatest treasure.

Demi enjoys sh*t stirring (or has read Tracy’s tweets and is secretly an SJW) and reminds Tracy that she’s elderly. It kind of feels like the editors of this episode left out important stuff to give us more footage of Hannah whining, showing us all exactly why this show has gone downhill. If I wanted to hear a delusional girl complaining about how everyone would love her if all of the people who were cooler and prettier than her would just stop existing, I would re-watch Mean Girls. Anyway, why don’t we get to see what the f*ck happened to Katie’s leg or whatever backstory we’re clearly missing from this Demi vs. Tracy showdown? It sounds like Hannah isn’t the only one who’s been talking sh*t around the house.

Demi keeps her personal issues to herself during her one-on-one time with Colton because she understands that snitches get stitches and knows that the best way to a guy’s heart isn’t nagging him about stuff he doesn’t care about. It’s by slapping his *ss with a paddle and using a plastic hand to almost touch his penis. Colton wouldn’t have abstained for this long if he wasn’t terrified of women, so unsurprisingly, Demi’s pirate BDSM isn’t really working for him. It isn’t working for Courtney (who???) either, who pulls Demi aside to complain, once again, about a time-honored Bachelor tradition: people asking to cut-in whenever they feel like it. Demi’s blind self-confidence is inspiring. She doesn’t notice the fear in Colton’s eyes every time she enters a room, and she doesn’t care that people keep telling her she’s completely unaware of her surroundings. We should all be more like Demi.

Hannah uses her time with Colton to call Caelynn hostile and give absolutely no details about their fallout aka the only thing that could have made this interesting. Colton, who probably took a few hits to the head when he almost played professional football, is completely baffled that two women who were raised to compete with each other have some issues. He seems pretty bummed when Hannah gives him an almost-ultimatum. Judging by the cold shoulder he gives her after this “revelation,” that was probably a bad move on Hannah’s part. Hasn’t she learned that Caelynn always wins? Caelynn cries when Colton asks her for her side of the story, and Colton responds to a woman crying the only way he knows how: by giving her a rose to make her shut up. True love is so magical.

Elyse gets the one-on-one date, and I was hoping that she would explain how her skin still looks so good at age 85. Like, seriously, does she eat the hearts of children like the witches from Hocus Pocus? I’m 23 and Elyse makes me look like Bradley Cooper in A Star Is Born: an alcoholic who fell asleep in the sun.

bachelor recap week bradley cooper

Warner Bros.

They go on a helicopter ride over Los Angeles, where they have a wonderful view of some smog, and end up at a tilt-a-whirl in San Diego. How many Marines from Camp Pendleton do you think have proposed to their girlfriend of three weeks at that exact tilt-a-whirl? This date is beginning to make a lot more sense. Colton surprises Elyse with a small army of children, my literal worst nightmare. Either Elyse loves kids or she is a phenomenal actress because she seems thrilled to be cock-blocked by Colton’s advertisement for his children’s charity, Scott’s Tots The Legacy Foundation. One of the eight-year-olds tells Colton that she’s already had her first kiss, meaning she beat Heather by about fifteen years.

Elyse tells Colton about her family tragedy, and they dance to a surprisingly catchy country tune by Tenille Arts. Elyse is too good for this show but too old to sell Sugar Bear Hair Care products, so I’m very confused about what her end game is. Colton, on the other hand, aggressively needs to shave. He probably grew his beard out for this episode so Elyse could forget that he’s still going through second-puberty (that time in life when 23-year-old dudes start looking like CW stars instead of looking like actual high school students), but it just kind of looks like he’s channeling Mose Schrute.

Tayshia, Nina, Catherine, Sydney, Onyeka, Cassie, Nicole, and Caitlin “accidentally” stumble on a shirtless Colton using ropes to work out at the beginning of the second group date. It looks like an impressive workout, but then he stands up and suddenly the abs we’ve been seeing aren’t there anymore? Has Colton been ab-contouring? Terry Crews, the only male feminist ally I actually believe, and his wife Rebecca Crews give the women strength training, and Colton almost loses his virginity while stretching out Sydney. Chris Harrison reappears for another fifteen minutes of work between naps, alongside Fred Willard who doesn’t say anything. Why would they have Fred on the show if he isn’t going to say… anything? It’s a little pervy if he’s just watching the girls lift heavy things and not making fun of them for sport. The Bachelor then asks these women to lift a minimum of 200-lbs across a dirt road, which is just asking for someone’s back to blow out. Does The Bachelor have workers comp? Two girls are asked to pull a limo with their bodies, which sounds like a fantastic way to get run over, and Onyeka kicks everyone’s butt because she used to run track.

After being forced to exercise, the women get to reapply foundation and chat with Colton. Nicole tries to distract from the fact that she definitely never won a presidential fitness test by deciding this is the time to share the story of her grandmother who fled Cuba, which she rightfully gets the group date rose for later. Unfortunately, this means we get another week with Nicole, whose weird energy it stressful as f*ck. Colton kisses everyone, and I’m amazed that there hasn’t been at least one mono-scare in the Bachelor mansion after twenty-three seasons of the least sanitary courting process in the world. Or at least a flu scare? Imagine what would happen if one of these girls had a cold sore or, like, HPV of the mouth?! Caitlin gets kicked off for lacking depth. Yet Alabama Hannah was allowed to stay when all she could muster during her group date was “It’s my birthday” and “Roll Tide”? Seems a little over-dramatic, if you ask me, but I guess that’s what we signed up for.

Instead of a cocktail party, there’s a surprise pool party featuring the ugliest bathing suits I’ve ever seen. Even Target does better than this. And it’s not like they spent all of their money on evening dresses because some of the looks from tonight’s rose ceremony are rough. i.e. Is Tracy wearing the curtain from her local community theatre? But I’m getting ahead of myself. Colton’s abs are, again, conspicuously absent. The entire pool party is just an excuse for Hannah and Caelynn to, again, give no details about their feud, while Hannah tries to convince Colton that she’s the sane one.

Colton doesn’t trust any of his instincts and asks his older uncle Chris for help while dramatically pouting that dating twenty girls at once isn’t actually easy. Most guys can barely handle dating one-to-three girls at once, and usually, those girls don’t even know about each other and can’t interact. It’s hard being a straight, white millionaire. Colton keeps talking about his one-on-one with Hannah like it wasn’t a flaming garbage heap of disaster. Is he talking about the same date we saw? Hannah must be holding his dog hostage or something because that date was worse than most actual first dates, on par with that dude who talks about his ex the whole time or condescends to you about your career/apartment/life choices.

Colton gets rid of Nina during the rose ceremony, who I have never seen before and therefore, I am not heartbroken. There’s a 50/50 chance that she was just a producer who put on a dress and showed up so there’d be someone to eliminate IMHO. He also eliminates Bri, who was probably the prettiest girl there but never spoke (which would have made her perfect for Colton since they’re the most boring, blondest people on the planet), and Real Housewife Catherine. Good luck with the #spons, ladies.

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