We could wax poetic all day about the first two seasons of Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. This show has everything: the Dark Lord falling from Heaven in a loin cloth, love triangles that'll make you scream, cry and laugh, fierce demon women that make their own rules, and that's just the start. The show has at least two more seasons officially signed to go, and praise Satan for that because we still have some major questions.
In between all the potions, the resurrections, the schemes and the absolute horrors of having to be a teenager in not one but two high schools, this show is relatable as hell. There's no shortage of Sabrina quotes to identify with.
Sure, most of us are not members of the Church or Night, able to change our outfits by twirling in front of a mirror or the proud owners of that many lace-trimmed dresses. We certainly can't travel to the depths of the ocean through our bathtubs and our pets aren't secretly goblins, but this show and its characters can sometimes still manage to be as real as it gets. It's surprisingly not hard to relate the magical world of Greendale to our own.
Nick Scratch spends a lot of time at Dorian's Gray Room, and who can blame him. His girlfriend is secretly on her way to becoming the Queen of Hell, her ex-boyfriend is, like, always around, and magic school would probably be going better if, you know, he weren't expelled for helping said girlfriend impersonate her dead parents at Father Blackwood and Aunt Zelda's wedding. Sometimes after a long day you just need to take a load off and grab a gin fizz or 35. And it might not be happy (or sad, in this case) hour, but who's really checking the clock anyways? We know we feel our favorite warlock on this one. Sometimes when you need a trip to the bar, it doesn't matter what moment of the day it is.
There's no denying that there are a lot of emotions in CAOS. Time and time again, Sabrina is not only faced with the everyday problems of being a teenager maneuvering through the tangles of high school life, but also the problems of being a witch in a coven that is less than modernized. We get it. This is the Church of Night we're talking about here. But who says the rules can't be amended just a little? When it comes to picking a Top Boy in the episode, "Chapter Twelve: The Epiphany," she's not ready to back down or accept that her feelings be invalidated. We second that emotion. We're so over this incredibly old connection of emotion and hysteria, and we're glad our girl is too.
The Weird Sisters don't always set the best example. They torture mortals. They torture Sabrina. I guess they pretty much torture everyone. Sometimes, we don't hate it, but we're looking forward to more (hopefully) positive shenanigans for the three ladies in upcoming seasons. Master plans and malevolent schemes aside, if there is one thing they get right, it's sisterhood. Together, they're an unstoppable force, and their bond actually creates pretty incredible albeit evil magic. So who does Prudence turn to when she needs help murdering her own father? Dorcas and Agatha without question. We don't always condone what they're cooking up, but we can all agree we know the feeling of thriving when we're with our girls.
Sabrina's moral compass should get its own credit in the show's cast listing because it's the driving force in most of her actions, especially during the first season. But deep down, we know our wonderful witch has a little bit of darkness in her. That desire for power — for magic far beyond what she knows she's capable of — is something not too hard for us to imagine. Who wouldn't want to be casting spells into the wee hours of the morning with no one to tell you when to stop and what to do and where to go. I think we can all agree that however unrealistic, Sabrina has the right idea of an ideal life. Would we take part in the Dark Baptism anyways? Sources say probably.
Who would've ever thought that the Dark Lord himself would turn out to be super relatable? Spilling tea left and right, make a grand entrance and forcing everyone to throw him a ball — if it weren't for the hooves, we'd say he's a mortal with a reality TV show problem. And the comparison doesn't stop there. The Dark Lord doesn't like to be kept waiting, and we have to agree on this one. Being bored? Hard pass. Bring us some potions to play with because you don't want to see us when we've got too much time to spare.
Honestly, we love Roz and we love Roz's honesty. Being weirdly entangled in a love triangle with her new beau, Harvey, and her beau's ex/her best friend, Sabrina, is the very definition of liking someone and not knowing what you're doing. Yet, she remains the love guru of the friend group. And boy, does she really knows how to hit the nail on the head with her advice. Coaching 'Brina through season two's Lupercalia was no easy task, but she did it with ease, and we wish we had her around for all the times we didn't know what we were doing either. Sabrina might be the future Queen of Hell, but just like us, she needs some help from good friends like Roz to navigate the fog of love.
Madam Satan, or Lilith, as she's known to her master, has quite the way with manipulating. She forced an entire prophecy on Sabrina before anyone found out it was happening, not to mention she was successful in playing the role of teacher and principal without anyone noticing that she had spent her days talking to a bird and unleashing demons. If it weren't for her redeeming story arc at the end of season two, we don't know how we'd feel about the mother of demons continuing to stir the cauldron for everyone in Greendale. Don't hate the player, hate the game right? We have to admit we love spicing up life every now and then, even if it causes a little bit of trouble. Something "Ms. Wardwell" knows all about.
There's a lot to love about Sabrina. Her independence, her fierce morality, her unwavering feminism. When it comes to honoring Lilith in the morality play, Brina isn't sure the role is for her, even as an understudy. Honoring the Dark Lord? Sure, she gets it. Submitting to his every will and desire? Maybe not. We love that our star witch never backs down from her rights, her opinions and her destiny to lead. We feel this, and we know that if we were attending the Academy of the Unseen Arts, we'd request the lead role. Or maybe a different play. The spotlight on the stage (and off) is more our style.
This wonderful show gave us two Spellman aunts that couldn't be more different, but somehow both still manage to make us say, "girl, same." Aunt Hilda is the crazy-fun extended family member of our dreams. She's marching to the beat of her own drum, proud of it, and we adore her. She's the go-to when you need a more positive and caring word of advice, a great potion or a warm hug. What's better, if you talk to her long enough, you'll get a few more of those words about how she came to be. At first glance, Auntie H is just your pleasant everyday bookkeeper/mortician, but when she reveals peeks of her past, we learn that, just like us, she loves to get down. Who hasn't had a fun night out with friends that took a turn for the, er, messy? We know we'd hit up Dorian's Gray Room with Hil anyday.
When you've almost been turned into a vegetable duplicate by a mandrake that looks like your ex-girlfriend, it's not hard to imagine why Harvey Kinkle plans to stay away from squash for the rest of his life. For many other reasons, like the fact that magical pizza will (probably) never hurt you, we have to agree with his new vow. Sure vegetables are healthy, but cheeseburgers won't suck out your life source and become a carrot scarecrow filled with slime with no conscience. And for that, we're thankful. We know Mr. Kinkle can totally agree. We think a trip to the next town over, Riverdale, and Pop's could fix this problem quick.
Aunt Zelda is a permanent mood. The ruler of the Spellman household, the world's greatest pessimist, and the most dedicated coven and family member to date, Auntie Zee is pretty much always relatable. We're marking that hypnotic marriage to Father Blackwood as annulled anyways. Life in the Church of Night isn't easy, so who can blame her when she needs to let off some steam by killing her sister. We know Hilda will always make it back, and we certainly wouldn't mind swinging around a shovel every now and then. People and things are annoying and sometimes taking a crack at them is what Zee needs to get back into her groove. If this Spellman sister opens her own gym, we'll be the first to sign up.
The dark arts are hard work, and no one knows that more than Ambrose. After attempting to blow up the Vatican, he was put on eternal house arrest. And despite living in the spooky haunted mansion of our dreams, we can't blame the homebody for being as gloomy as the morgue he lives in. We get the whole range of relatable emotions in the Spellman household, and we totally identify with our cunning warlock on this one. Sometimes there's just nothing specifically wrong (an unusual occurrence on this show), and you just have to let the feelings flow.
Theo Putnam just gets it doesn't he? Having to take a part-time job as Jingles the elf during Christmas (or the Winter Solstice, if you're on Spellman time) is maybe the most relatable part of this show. Thankfully for us, most of our bosses aren't actually demons trying to turn us into wax figures, but we still get the struggle of working long hours over the holidays for cranky bosses to make a few bucks in high school. Heck, we still get it now. These next two days killing us? Try the whole month. We send many thanks to the people who will take our low-paying retail jobs long after we've moved on. To them we say, Satan speed.
We have to admire Faustus Blackwood's ability to smooth talk. It holds up almost the whole second episode in season one where he helps Sabrina understand the consequences, or benefits, of having her Dark Baptism and signing the Book of the Beast. It somehow works on Aunt Zelda, who is not usually easily manipulated. It helps him become the High Priest of the Church of Night, and the list goes on. Calling himself not evil is laughable, but haven't we all been there? Sometimes we need to toot our own horns, even if that horn is maybe not playing the correct tune. There isn't much to appreciate about Father Blackwood, but we can't help but admire his ability to talk the talk and walk the "not evil" walk.