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Colton Underwood’s Bachelor Recap: Demi Drama & The Realest Bachelor Moment Yet

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ABC

The Bachelor‘s producers took advantage of an Asian contestant finally making it past week two and decided to let the contestants visit the Crazy Rich Asians soundstage at Lionsgate. Wait, no. The show actually has a budget this year, and the girls are going to Singapore. Imagine how pissed Becca K. must be right now. All she got was a week nine trip to Virginia (Colton Underwood‘s homeland).

The first ten minutes of this episode foreshadow the rest of the two hours I wasted watching this sh*t. It’s like the production team has stopped even trying to pretend that they’re not stirring the pot for ratings. We all know it’s happening, but like leaving with a frat dude at the end of a date party, at least the pretext of subtly is appreciated. The newly-taken Chris Harrison (RIP my hopes and dreams) “accidentally” calls Hannah G. by the wrong name… Caelynn. This oh-so seamlessly segues into Hannah G. conveniently forgetting that she’s the one that re-started this feud in the first place, while Caelynn prays that the seven goats she sacrificed and her promise to never eat gluten again is enough for God to send Hannah G. as far away from her as possible. Instead, all of the girls learn they’re going to Singapore. Hannah B. also gets to learn where, exactly, Singapore is because high schools in red states don’t teach you about Asia.

The first international one-on-one goes to Tayshia, and the palpable passive aggression in this hotel room really shows that no one is making friends during this season, so everyone is jealous and unbearable. Take me back to Nick Viall‘s season when no one wanted to end up with him and everyone just enjoyed their month of vacation days together.

Tayshia deserved better than this bungee jumping date designed to make sure someone cries. It wasn’t even a couples’ bungee. Just like the Bachelor mansion this season, it’s every woman for herself. They both jump because wimping out on national television wasn’t an option (especially since production had already paid for it). They makeout in the sand afterwards because near-death experiences really make you appreciate sex the important things in life, and at their post-makeout dinner, Tayshia reveals… that she’s been divorced. Welcome to 70% of America, T.

There’s a thirteen-person group date, which must be Hannah G.’s unlucky number because it’s suddenly very clear that Caelynn is getting the one-on-one. During the group date, Demi just does Demi. She jumps on his back, she actually talks to the guy she’s trying to date, you know, evil stuff like that. At least, evil according to Courtney, who’s too insecure to go talk to him even after an hour of waiting and blames it on Demi because it’s always easier to blame the blonde than realize that you have no game and might suck as a person.

Colton Underwood s  em Bachelor em  Recap  Demi Drama   The Realest Bachelor Moment Yet bachelor recap week 4 gif

ABC

But before we get to all of that, the girls are asked to put a bunch of leeches on their skin in the hopes that someone would make a “[the girl I hate this week] is a leech” joke, which of course Hannah G. jumps right into. Hannah G. gets so insecure that she eats a fish eye at lunch because nothing says “date me” like begrudgingly doing something you don’t want to do so your boyfriend won’t leave you. Well, actually. Yeah. Nice move, Hannah G.

The rest of the group date goes some weird places. Colton is as done with the Hannah G./Caelynn feud as the rest of us are (except Hannah G., who at this point might be in love with Caelynn if she’s this obsessed with her). Colton says he feels like he got his Hannah back, but he must either be confusing her with Hannah B. or getting handies behind the production tent because Hannah G. has been consistently freaked out and weird since her “um… Roll Tide?” first date.

Cassie pulls Colton away next to tell him that she thinks they were siblings in a past life. Instead of *immediately* calling it a night, Colton makes like 18th-century English monarchs and leans into the whole incest concept with the spittiest kiss of the night. You can tell when Colton is into a girl because you can see his entire tongue enter her mouth. His virgin status is making more and more sense to me as the weeks progress.

Exhibit B:

Okay, now we’re back to Courtney waiting for Colton to arrive with an engraved invitation to talk to him. Sorry, hun, he gave that to Tayshia and Caelynn this week. Demi tells her to be more assertive, which is fair. Proving why tough love should be saved for people who actually like you, this made Courtney decide that it’s clearly *Demi’s* fault that Colton hasn’t told all of the other women to go home so he can talk to some random girl he’s barely met. Demi leaves Courtney to her pity party and pulls Colton aside to tell him her mandatory sob-story, and while I legitimately feel for her because having her mom in prison must have sucked, Demi seemed more upset talking about her mom getting *out* of prison than she did when she announced that her mom was currently in prison during episode one.

Demi goes back to Courtney when she’s finished exchanging mono cells with Colton to encourage Courtney to go talk to Colton now that literally everyone else has had their time with him, and Courtney still just pouts. Have these women never watched this show? Demi’s just like, “Fine, if you won’t go, I will” and goes off for a second round of tonsil hockey because she’s bored. Courtney honestly looks like Eeyore to me and it’s probably just because you can actually see the self-pity in her eyes. Eeyore decides that she’s finally going to have a plotline and patronizingly chastizes Demi for taking her own advice instead of, oh I don’t know, looking for Colton. I almost had a rage blackout when she started using her weird condescending baby voice to blame Demi for her own damn problems, and I swear I was outside of my body watching myself yell at the television when she asked Demi how old she was. Say what you want about Demi, but Courtney is solidly in the wrong here and in an ironic twist, Demi had a wonderfully mature response: “You have the right to feel that way, and I have the right not to care.” Demi gets the group date rose, and Courtney gets a good case for a Klonopin prescription when she gets home.

Why was the breaking news banner that popped up at the bottom of my screen that said “Man and Dog Fall In Lake” more interesting than the last hour of this show?

Hannah G.’s weirdly-specific fear for Caelynn’s date is that Colton would buy her shoes and a dress, so of course, they go shopping. I wonder which producer convinced Hannah G. that a man buying shoes is a sign of true love and how big that producer’s raise was. Colton buys Caelynn the ugliest effing shoes I’ve ever seen and some pretty cute dresses, and she has enough time to go home after and explain to the jealous hyenas back at the hotel that she doesn’t care about stuff, she only cares about him. Would you really be competing to marry him if he didn’t have drug football money, Caelynn? Really? Cassie actually, genuinely breaks into tears because Colton bought another girl shoes, and not because they’re nude with spikes and a crime against nature. I’m actually worried that the CIA asked the Bachelor producers to try new torture techniques on these girls before they’re approved for field use because things went from 0 to crazy way faster than usual.

Now it’s time to get serious. Like, actually though. If you’re triggered by accounts of sexual assault, skip down a few (three) paragraphs, and if you saw the episode and want to speak with someone about rape or sexual assault, RAINN‘s hotline is available at 800-656-HOPE (4673).

During the sitting with no food dinner portion of her one-on-one, Caelynn shares the story of her sexual assault. When she was a sophomore in college four years ago, she and two of her friends had their wine drugged at a party. It feels almost exploitative to recount the details here, but suffice to say, Caelynn was raped by one man, and afterward, one of his friends pulled up her dress in front of a crowd and took photos and Snapchats laughing at her naked, lifeless body. Caelynn was turned away from a hospital when she tried to get a rape kit done (which she correctly acknowledges is illegal) and by the time she arrived at a second hospital, it was too late for conclusive results. Only one of the men who participated faced consequences. Caelynn’s account of her guilt and shame for being violated, her reticence to leave her house for a year, and her fear to tell her family members rang very true for survivors, but she said she now focuses on her determination to not let her happiness be diminished. Colton asks some thoughtful, respectful questions before talking about his experience watching his “unnamed ex” deal with the pain associated with her abuse. Colton called it the hardest thing he ever had to see.

This was a rare, real moment on the show. I’d never heard my Bachelor watching group go silent before. I’d never heard silence like that on a reality show. It’s not just that everyone knows a survivor of sexual assault. It’s that everyone knows dozens. Even with #MeToo, there’s still a stigma around speaking about sexual assault or reporting a sexual assault. It was almost too intimate a conversation to watch, but it was a needed reminder that you are not alone.

Producers ease us back into Bachelor world with a quick tour of the wedding venue from Crazy Rich Asians before the cocktail party. Lauren B. Hannah B. grabs Colton for some one-on-one time, then Colton grabs Hannah B. basically everywhere. At one point she’s literally on top of him. In his bed. It was a lot. When Demi said Colton might lose his virginity in Singapore, I don’t think this is what she had in mind. Caelynn is going to be our next Bachelorette and Hannah B. is going to win this season, I’m calling it right now.

While Hannah B. and Colton make the bed so no one suspects that this couple has moved from tongue kissing to ass grabbing, I just realized that I’ve confused Hannah B. and Hannah G. this whole episode. Hannah B. is the crazy girl from Alabama and Hannah G. is going to get engaged to Colton. I’d just go back and fix it, but these girls are so interchangeable, I think I’m just going to leave it in there and see if anyone actually noticed (let me know in the comments, I’m legit curious). Hannah *B.*, who I will never stop calling Alabama Hannah now just for my own sanity, is pulled aside by Caelynn to bury the hatchet. Caelynn ends the beauty queen drama, and Hannah lies through her teeth about a) Not starting this entire public fight b) Not talking sh*t about Caelynn and c) Not forgetting her Xanax back in Westlake.

Oneyka goes back to being an icon and fully stirs the pot, encouraging Demi to rat on Courtney for being insufferable. I miss the days when this show had a balance between backstabbing and actual strong female friendships. AKA every season except this one. What are the producers doing? Anyway, Oneyka clearly did it to try and send Demi home so she’d be the only extra one left in the house, which is kind of genius and I respect it. Demi tells Colton that Courtney is “the cancer of the house,” a phrase they keep repeating even though it’s really uncomfortable. Cancer is like, a real, horrible problem — make the joke once, then let it go. Producers probably slid Colton a twenty for some weed to verbatim tell Courtney everything Demi had just said because no man is really that stupid.

Demi definitely won this battle. Colton told her he appreciated her as Courtney was walking into the room, he isn’t even trying to hide it. To be fair, the whole issue here is that Courtney couldn’t muster the courage to say two words to the guy, so it makes sense that he’s not exactly partial to her. Courtney isn’t happy and picks another fight with Demi in her god-awful patronizing voice while Kirpa (who is all of us) laughs in the corner. Courtney thinks Demi will be caught off guard when she asks her who the cancer of the house is, but Demi has zero shame because she knows we’re all thinking it at this point. Courtney says absolutely nothing of value. She keeps talking about how young and immature Demi is, to which Demi responds, “We’re the same f*cking age.” Excuse me while I get that tattooed onto my body.

Tracy the Racist and Courtney go home, thank God. Is it a coincidence that Demi’s two biggest detractors went home this week? Or does Colton, possibly, actually like her? Tune in next week for (hopefully) the episode where Colton jumps over a fence. Cross your fingers.

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