Colton Underwood Bachelor Recap Week 6: Is Anyone Even Left?
Colton Underwood cut right to the chase this week, and so will we. Onyeka and Nicole went home, and my blood pressure dropped back down to a normal level. Now all of the not-fun crazy people are gone except for Alabama Hannah and her “Been Kissed” sidekick, so producers will have to come up with something to “entertain” us (and I use that word very, very loosely) that doesn’t involve Jerry Springer. Even with Onyeka and Nicole gone, this is the most diverse group to make it this far on The Bachelor like… ever. That isn’t saying much, but baby steps, right?
Up next on Colton’s “we have two Asian contestants so we can do this” trip around the continent is Vietnam, meaning these ten girls have to endure their third Spirit Airlines-sponsored claustrophobic nightmare in as many weeks. Guess that bungee jump isn’t looking so bad now, huh, Tayshia?
If you listen closely, you can still hear Colton screaming like a little baby.
Colton is super into Hannah G. If you can get pregnant from over-the-pants stuff, Hannah’s got this competition in the bag for sure. But seriously, other Bachelors would never be allowed to be as hot and heavy as Colton has been during this one-on-one spa date with Boring Hannah. Just because he has no follow-through doesn’t mean we want to see him practicing for the big day on top of a massage table. Ben Higgins was a super respectable dude and he would never have gotten away with something like this, but Colton’s virginity pact means he’s still considered safe enough that he can have multiple women *in his bed* before they even get to hometowns. That would be totally off-limits any other season and you know it.
It’s honestly kind of sicking the amount of PDA they’re allowing this guy, and why? Because he’s followed some archaic code of conduct that’s little more than a social construct meant to reinforce religious laws that were created two thousand years ago? *That’s* why I had to hear a failed NFL benchwarmer say, “I would eat that sushi roll” in some weird attempt at sexual innuendo? thank u, next.
Boring Hannah’s Big Moment was sharing that her parents were divorced. Didn’t someone use that one like two weeks ago? Anyway, welcome to the 70%, Hannah. Hannah’s mom drove her car onto their front lawn, big whoop. Demi‘s mom literally embezzled for them.
— Courtney Taylor (@c_taylor27) February 12, 2019
Demi didn’t get a one-on-one this week, and we all cried with her. Demi is the only bearable person on this show. Everyone else is either too normal to keep my attention or too insecure for me to laugh at without feeling like an *sshole. Demi is my queen, and I can’t wait to buy her merch line once she leaves the show to start her career as an Instagram influencer. Apparently, this week’s theme is “recycling plotlines.” After Boring Hannah becomes the second contestant to be super damaged from their parents’ statistically predictable divorce, this group date is the same as the weird pirate group date where Demi threw a turkey leg at someone and everyone pretended not to notice. They’ve just switched out pirates for questionable Vietnamese cultural appropriation, and sticks with pillows taped to them for… well, just sticks. They put the B-Movie version of Olivia Caridi (aka Alamaba Hannah, who will not stop growling) and a bunch of other blondes outside, gave them sticks, and told them to fight. I would love to see the contract these women sign that says the show is legally allowed to kill them and harvest their organs to pay for future televised Bachelor weddings. Alabama Hannah is scary violent, and Demi gets hit in the face and hugs it out afterward. But we’re supposed to believe *Demi* is the one that isn’t mature enough to be on this show. Sure, Jan.
At the post-fight cocktail party, six girls begin spiraling about their relationship insecurities, and Demi has a nice chat with her mom. She has such a great sense of humor about her mom being in prison, and their relationship is very humanizing for her. Maybe if she makes it to hometowns, the producers will force her mom to wear a prison jumpsuit at dinner for ratings.
These women realize they’re fighting each other to marry a Thumb Thumb, right?
Colton keeps his eyes partially open while kissing Katie, so we know she’s going home. Katie says she has trouble showing when she’s happy, much like us at the end of a night out when we’re really just trying to go home. Added points for the fake crying. Alabama Hannah is blackout and word vomits all of her insecurities to Colton, which probably just made him feel safe. He’s just a boy who wants to settle for someone so he can know that they’ll never leave him. Alabama Hannah then tries to show Colton some of her fighting moves but ends up just flying around on the fighting stick like it’s a stripper pole. This is the third week in a row she’s done something bizarre that might be genius… maybe she’s craftier than we think. Cassie is also there, and we see her making out with Colton on a bed for like a millisecond, but her weird top-braid during this episode is so horrific I’m not going to mention her again until she fixes it.
Speaking of Colton’s crippling former-fat-kid insecurities, Sydney has the self-respect to realize that she’s an NBA Dancer and has a better pro-sports track record than the guy who’s ignoring her for six indistinguishable blonde women. Syd tries to get him to treat her like a person and not the diversity hire of the group, and he doesn’t. Colton is such an idiot. Sydney is one of three girls here with the emotional stability for marriage.
Sydney leaves the minute she realizes she isn’t being appreciated, then producers have the audacity to make her walk to the car. She departs with dignity and the satisfaction that comes from knowing you killed a small part of a man’s soul. Sydney also warns Colton that some of the girls in the house are there for the wrong reasons, which she honestly could have just said to send Colton into full freak-out mode. Name names, girl!
An amazing(ly bad) commercial runs for some new Rebel Wilson rom-com featuring none other than Tia Booth. Of course Tia managed to find a way onto Colton’s season somehow. Is her new, off-brand version of Colton not doing it for her anymore?
Now that Kirpa‘s face has healed, she can go on a one-on-one with Colton. It would be so, so funny if Kirpa dumped him, but instead, they have an actual conversation… with words? What? Kirpa had an eight-year relationship without sex, the only thing less believable than Heather‘s eight-month relationship without kissing. Where did they find these women? Either the producers recruited at Hillsong Church, or the contestants this year were really down to lie. Kirpa gets the rose even though both of them agree their relationship is far behind some of the other girls, probably because Colton realizes he’s running out of options. TBT to the good ol’ days, when a date like this would end with a girl seemingly stranded on a mountain or a glacier alone. How did Taylor Nolan get out of that forest? Is she… still there? Does anyone have eyes on Taylor Nolan?
Demi goes to see Colton in the middle of a thunderstorm, and the producers try to make it look like she’s going to forcibly take his virginity. Wow, a powerful woman with her own agency, truly terrifying. Demi’s actually there to tell Colton she’s falling in love with him, and Colton’s inner Sig Ep comes shining through. Somehow, this virgin managed to act like a stereotypical frat guy and was keeping Demi around because they were having fun and not because he saw her as an actual human person. Demi gives Colton the same warning Sydney did after he asks her to leave, and it’s getting pretty ominous. Either the producers are pulling an amazing prank on Colton, or there’s a snake hiding in the final group of women.
I never went to his room to take his virginity you fucking trolls I went there to show him I was serious and giving it my all. And I left heartbroken. Colton touched my heart-he’s an AMAZING person. He showed me what a real man looks like and I am excited to feel that way again.
— Demi Burnett (@demi_burnett) February 12, 2019
Colton is so freaked that he cancels the rose ceremony and lowkey implies he got rid of Demi because he assumed that Demi was the person Sydney was trying to warn him about. Way to make your own decisions, buddy. After Katie gives him the same farewell speech he got from Demi and Sydney, it looks like Colton got rid of the wrong girl and robbed me of the only good part of this season. I still have like five more of these recaps to write, what the h*ll am I supposed to do without Demi? Grow a backbone Colton and BEG for her back before she finds someone actually worthy of her on Paradise. Tayshia really sketchily tells Kirpa it will be them left at the end in front of all of the other girls. Literally, T? I was rooting for you! Tayshia needs to get real. It’s Hannah G.’s game now, everyone else is just Colton’s fluffers.
Join me next week when Colton hopefully finally hops that godd*mn motherf*cking fence and says that he wants the girl who takes his virginity to think he’s “the greatest thing she’s ever felt.” Uh-huh. Good luck with that.