Colton Underwood Bachelor Recap Week 8: Khloe Kardashian, WYA?

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Hometown dates are the worst. If I wanted to listen to a bunch of middle-aged white people (and some people of color for a change, thanks to Tayshia) pretend to be concerned about the prettiest member of their family’s personal life, I would just visit *my* family for the weekend. I’m excited to watch these fathers act like they have any say in who their grown children are going to date, but I’m even more excited to see which specific daddy issues led to these women applying for The Bachelor.

I was prepared for Caelynn’s hometown date to be super boring. She’s so composed that sometimes she seems like a wax figure pretending to be a person, and I have no idea if she actually gives a sh*t about Colton. Pretty sure she’s just here to be the next Bachelorette and make Alabama Hannah cry, and she’ll probably succeed on both fronts.

I’m now 100% certain that Caelynn has no real feelings for Colton because her chat with her stepdad is the most genuine, sweet thing that’s happened on this show in a long time. He looks so touched when she tells him how much he means to her as a father, and she looks like an actual human person while she’s saying it. Either she’s actually a phenomenal actress, or this is the second thing she’s said and meant this season. (The first thing, clearly, being her horrific tale of sexual assault… Don’t get it twisted, we can still support her as a survivor and be completely certain that she’s only on The Bachelor because she missed cutthroat pageant competition and making other women cry.) Her convo with her stepdad made *me* cry, which hasn’t happened since I saw Beyonce in 2016. That’s how real it is. Colton asks Caelynn’s stepdad for her hand in marriage, which also makes her stepdad look like he’s going to cry. Ugh, wow. What is she doing on this show if she clearly has a healthy relationship with her stepfather? This is totally unfair. Caelynn tells Colton she loves him, which puts her a little ahead of the other girls in terms of blatant lies. Congrats, C!

Next, Colton goes to Alabama to meet up with Hannah G. That’s right, Hannah *G.* Both Hannahs were from Alabama, and everything I know is a lie. Hannah takes Colton to etiquette classes so he can remember he ain’t sh*t and is lucky to have her. And that, my friends, is how women neg. He also learns how to eat bread like a lady, something that never sunk in for me even after three years of Cotillion. Oh well, can’t win ‘em all. Colton then goes to meet Hannah’s family, and none of them look even kind of related to her. They clearly aren’t hired actors because everything about them screams “Libertarian Middle Americans,” but was she, like, blessed by a Shaman at birth (or blessed by a really expensive plastic surgeon at her sixteenth birthday) or something? She just does not look like any of her family members.

Her father gives Colton his blessing. Is he asking every father? Doesn’t that seem a little forced? Like he really has no idea who he’s going to pick at this point (if anyone), so he’s just trying to cover all of his bases. Hannah genuinely seems like she’s falling in love with Colton, thank GOD. If he didn’t end up with someone who actually loved him after all this, I’d lowkey be pretty sad. He’s horny corny AF, but he seems like a good enough dude. It also sounds like they’ve had a lot of convos we haven’t seen that they’re referencing now, and it’s weird that the producers would totally ignore the foundational framework of an actual relationship forming on this show.

Awesome, the first of two trips to Orange County. Now I understand how Tayshia made it this far: producers must have saved a ton on travel expenses. Tayshia drives how I drive (like someone blindfolded Cher Horowitz and told her there was a sale at Saks). Tayshia blindfolds Colton so that he doesn’t see all of the Republicans in the O.C. and get too excited. So cool that Tayshia came up with the Bird Box challenge like a month before the movie was released, we stan a psychic. Maybe she can also tell us which of the other contestants is going to win this season. Colton clearly doesn’t want to be with Tayshia, so her dangling a vehicular manslaughter incident à la Chris Soules in front of him didn’t really help. I think this is the first time I’ve ever thought a Bachelor might actually be p*ssed at one of his contestants just for being herself. Tayshia takes Colton skydiving because they both hate heights. Makes sense. Colton prays to God that he lives so that he can lose his virginity, which would be pretty normal for a privileged white man if he were like twenty years younger. The uplifting music in the background cannot mask Colton basically sh*tting his pants.

The “couple” makes this whole thing about how they ~challenge~ each other, and I’m wondering which genius producer did Tayshia so dirty by giving her this idea. I really thought Colton wasn’t going to drop the “I’m falling in love with you” bomb, but after some beating around the bush (and probs a flashback to Ben Higgins‘s advice from last week, which was basically, ‘Just tell everyone you love them so they don’t leave you’) he tells Tayshia he’s falling in love with her too. Yeah, okay. Tayshia says she’s looking for her family visit to give her some validation. If she still feels like she needs external validation for her relationship this far in the season, she’s either doomed or just as insecure as Colton.

Tayshia’s dad doesn’t know what the f*ck is up, Kyle. He has clearly not done any research into this show, and he acts like it’s Colton’s fault that Tayshia decided to put all of her business on national television. Honestly, props to Colton for never actually lying to any of these terrifying men. They’re always like, “Yo, you tryna f*ck these other women too?” and he’s like, “Yes! So glad you asked, absolutely.” And then the dads really don’t know what to say. It’s amazing. Tayshia’s dad doesn’t give Colton his blessing, and Colton acts like that affects literally anything that’s going to happen. Like, sure, now he has a solid reason to kick Tayshia off other than “You were only here for lack of better options” or “I swear I’m not racist,” but he literally says that he *needs* her father’s blessing before he proposes. Do you also need to negotiate her dowry, or was that pre-determined in the contestants’ contracts?

After talking even more with Tayshia and Colton, Tayshia’s dad gives Colton his blessing because he realizes that he can’t look like a crazy person on national television and that he’s done enough hemming and hawing that he can rest easy that millions of Americans will think he doesn’t own a cable television is a good parent. It probably also helped that Tayshia’s brother lowkey said he worked for the FBI and could put a hit out on Colton if he wanted to (read between the lines, people!). Colton now has roughly thirty minutes to come up with a good reason to dump Tayshia that doesn’t end with him on the FBI’s most wanted list.

On the second stop in the official Bachelor tour of the O.C., Cassie teaches Colton to surf in Huntington Beach, which will not go well. He’s a former football player whose center of gravity is probably back on that bench he used to warm for the Chargers. His abs are conspicuously less defined here, proving my hypothesis that he’s been ab contouring… or juice cleansing. We may never know for sure. Colton admits that he’s just worried that Cassie doesn’t like him, which is why she definitely has a shot at winning this. Way to keep him on the hook, girl! He also calls her the perfect combination of sexy and cute, which he stole from Crazy, Stupid, Love. Maybe he forgot that isn’t the movie when Steve Carell is the only man in American who waited longer than Colton to lose his V-Card. Cassie says, “I know that Colton is falling in love with me, and that feels really good,” without actually saying she loves him back, which is some BDE.

The national convention for bottle blondes convenes at Cassie’s house, and yet another father is acting pressed because he’s realized that if his daughter is on this show, it means he went wrong somewhere as a father. $5 if you can spot which of the gaggle is dating Gregg Sulkin. Is that the official word for a small pack of unnatural blondes? A gaggle? A giggle? Anyway, they’re all so attractive it’s scary. They’re all well-dressed and Colton speaks their language (aka $$$) by describing all of the Bachelor luxury vacations. Well played. Pretty sure this first sister is the Gregg Sulkin GF, and I’m emo that Gregg didn’t show up for this family meeting. This is like when Aaron Rodgers was upset that his brother embarrassed the family by going on The Bachelorette and avoided the show altogether. Useless and disappointing. Moving to the living room the HomeGoods Showroom, Colton says he has an undeniable chemistry with Cassie. Seems like she’s kind of denying it, but go off I guess. This chat about Cassie’s past pain is a great advertisement for Young Once. This whole season is a great advertisement for Young Once, actually.

Demi Burnett is still all of us, even from beyond the hypothetical grave:

Cassie’s dad acts like every man in America isn’t secretly dating four girls at once. It’s 2019, Cassie is just lucky that she knows for sure that Colton is still texting other b*tches. Colton is really doing the most to win over Cassie’s father and says he *needs* his permission to marry her, again. No, you don’t! Can we just stop pretending that this show is some archaic, old-world values thing instead of Tinder: The TV Show? Colton keeps fishing for Cassie’s affection and just doesn’t get it. Is this a tactic? Is she worried that lying is a sin? Does she miss her phone and know she can’t be the Bachelorette if she quits? I’m confused.

Chris Harrison does his mandated five minutes of screen time as he escorts the women in their surprisingly not hideous Tobi gowns to the rose ceremony. Odds that they’re still in the O.C. (perhaps in Cassie’s pool house outfitted with some hipster lightbulbs?) are high. I honestly don’t know what he’s going to do here. Like, he’s going to get rid of Tayshia, but *how*? Hannah gets the first rose, and TAYSHIA gets the second rose. What?! Cassie stays because Colton is realllllly tryna get into her pants (not even trying to be funny here, that’s the only explanation) and Caelynn gets sent home. I’m legitimately shook. Did he finally figure out she’s the one who was here for the wrong reasons? I want answers! I need answers like Colton needed those fathers’ permission to marry their daughters ‐ really not at all, but it would be nice. Caelynn didn’t even wear waterproof mascara so we could all see how good she is at fake crying. Caelynn is a lock for the next Bachelorette unless Khloe Kardashian changes her mind and ruins the franchise for all of us, and I’m here for it.

And as for next week:

colton underwood bachelor recap week 8

Okay — I know what you’re thinking — I’m off to charge my phone.

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