The Bachelorette Week 3: I Wanted The Notebook But All I Got Was The Post-It
In case last week’s drag queens and roller derby didn’t secure a special place in your heart for Hannah Brown, the Princess of Alabama is back and this time she’s simulating childbirth on shirtless men. You’re welcome.
To start, Cam actually gets invited to a group date along with Jonathan, Matteo, John Paul Jones, Kevin, Jed, Tyler C and Mike. Hannah reminds all of us that while a Miss Alabama sash is nice, what she really wants draped over those cold shoulders cut outs is a Baby Björn. So today she’s going to push their limits and test their abilities to be a father. Or at the very least, a daddy.
And what better way to discuss making babies than with American Pie’s Jason Biggs and wife, Jenny Mollen, who offer us our first unsolicited Colton Underwood virgin joke of the season. Yuck.
“Guys, I want a family one day,” Hannah reiterates as Jason Biggs pretends to remove a silicone baby from between his wife’s fully clothed legs. “And they’re going to teach us a little something.”
Well, Hannah, I think if these men leave this warehouse today having learned anything, you’ve succeeded because when asked how long the gestation period was in a round of trivia, Cam answers TWO. WEEKS. In his defense, it seems that Cam has a very odd sense of time and how it works as he proves later on.
After attempting to soothe crying robot babies and wearing pregnancy bellies, Hannah is ready for the piece de resistance: some light nipple clamping to “simulate breastfeeding” followed by the infamous labor simulator. I’m not sure what was louder, the cheers of women across America or the screams of John Paul Jones being electrocuted in stirrups. Hannah is the heroine we didn’t know we needed.
— Hannah Brown (@AlabamaHannah) May 28, 2019
During the cocktail party, Mike proves that being bold doesn’t always mean being the sexiest man in labor. Mike tells Hannah that the challenge was particularly difficult due in part to his ex-girlfriend’s lost pregnancy. It’s a tender moment with an emotionally intelligent man so naturally, Cam has to interrupt. Poor Mike has to ask this guy to leave three times before Cam finally gets to… tell Hannah he quit his job for her? I guess we’ve all lost something in a way. A baby. A job. And any shred of respect Hannah had left for Cam.
Jonathan, the guy that spanked himself in a speedo last week, physically removes Cam from the couch he is talking at Hannah on and then the two do an awkward shuffle as they both attempt to walk one another and Hannah out. Cam ultimately decides to be the bigger man and walk away, but it’s hard to be the bigger man when you’re wearing a hoodie under a blazer. It seems that Hannah feels the same way, because she ultimately decides to give Mike and his delicious butt the group date rose.
— Hannah Brown (@AlabamaHannah) May 28, 2019
So now it’s time for the one on one and investment analyst, Connor, is excited for his sailing date with Hannah. But speaking from personal experience, you can only live on chardonnay and chicken nuggets for so long until you pass out. Unfortunately, Hannah learned this the hard way this week as a quick trip to the hospital meant her sailing trip with Connor S. would be swapped out for an intimate date in Hannah’s hotel suite for budgetary reasons. And while they had plenty of time to talk and make out into their microphones, Hannah ends the date abruptly to catch some Zs and Connor leaves without a rose. But before he leaves, he sneaks around her hotel room leaving notes highlighting his favorite things about her. It was mostly about her eyes which personally I found unsettling, but was just enough for Hannah to guiltily invite Connor back out to continue their date.
It seemed that this decision was done out of pity for Connor, but maybe also because ABC already paid singer Lukas Graham his deposit so the show must go on. Either way, Hannah and Connor gave us our first awkward slow dance of the season. This is all moving so fast and I just want to take things slow!
For the final group date of the week, Hannah takes eight of her men to a photo shoot where they will be working with a menagerie of pets to promote the new Secret Life of Pets movie. Thank God Lactaid is also an official sponsor for The Bachelorette because the product placement on this show is getting cheesy and I cannot process it. While the men get into makeup, Hannah’s season-mate Demi sets up surveillance equipment and plants hot makeup artists and pet wranglers around the set in an attempt to catch the men doing something they shouldn’t. However, these men weren’t dumb enough to slip up and Demi’s failed plan only furthers Hannah’s delusions that these men are here for the right reasons and not Instagram clout.
I’ll be honest, I was surprised to see Luke P. pass the test, but he shot that miniature horse in the face when he tried to take up all of Hannah’s time.
It’s a shame Luke P. couldn’t see where Cam went wrong on the first group date, because the more he hovers in an attempt to showcase his growing love for Hannah, the more arrogant and inconsiderate his actions come across.
— Kim (@kimrosa_) May 28, 2019
“I want to call my own shots. Okay?” Hannah barks at Luke P. as he attempts to cut in front of Peter for a chance to talk to her. This obviously backfires, of course, because Peter is incredible. He’s like if Nick Viall went to aviary school and was just a really good boy who calls his mom regularly.
In a last ditch effort to secure a rose at the ceremony, Cam begs the other men for an opportunity to tell Hannah something that could change the course of their two-week long relationship for good, but I guess he doesn’t fully understand he is everyone else’s arch nemesis. Myself included.
He begins by quoting Shrek which is always a good call. Cam tells Hannah, who less than a minute earlier said that she has no interest in hearing anything tragic today, that he is just an onion with layers. He’s just a layered dip of trauma. He begins by alluding to but not explicitly saying he was an amputee and then took a sharp left turn into familial death and the displacement of his puppy. I’m not sure who told Cam that this was his Lifetime movie pitch meeting, but she is not buying what you’re selling, buddy.
It isn’t enough to help him stay though, because later that night Cam is sent packing alongside his new sworn enemy, Jonathan and someone named Joey who I have never even seen on this show.
Now we can all take that shower I was talking about and focus all of our attention on hating
Colton (Freudian slip) — I mean Luke P. — and keeping track of when Hannah puts on that coral motorcycle jacket. Because that’s when sh*t gets real.
See you next week. Roll tide!