The Bachelorette Week 6: Stay In Your Freaking Lane

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A 40-minute mid-season recap was unnecessary, but it really put a lot into perspective for me. Like can someone who wears this much sequins make their own decisions? Probably not. But I’ll watch her make the wrong ones. Here’s a link to last week’s recap. There’s plenty of bad decisions there — and a cliffhanger.

The men are waiting with baited breath to see who will walk through the door of their Best Western. Will it be Luke or a PA there to retrieve his monogrammed Away Luggage?

The men and the rest of America agree that if Luke doesn’t return, we’re having a party.
It’s the moment of truth as we return to Hannah Brown and Luke’s one-on-one. Hannah tells her suitor that after their catastrophic date with more red flags than a touch football group date, she cannot give him the rose. Luke is just as surprised as I am as he reluctantly hugs Hannah and leaves.

“I didn’t think this was ever going to happen to me, but here I am,” Luke says as he walks out.
And that’s it. He’s gone. Walking into the nighttime wilderness like a normal, non-robot, human being who hasn’t murdered someone. And then… he makes a sharp U-turn and comes back. Atta boy. No means yes, Luke! This is your television show.

He tells Hannah how angry this has all made him. And I’m so glad the first emotion he’s decided to let Hannah see is anger. It feels very on brand.

“I would move mountains for you!” Luke weakly shouts at Hannah three feet away from her after she asks him to let it all out.

Luke somehow talks her into keeping him and Luke heads home without a rose, breaking all rules of The Bachelorette — which seems to be something only supervillains can do every season. And you want to know what the worst part is? Hannah actually thinks that it was all her idea and not a Luke and ABC collab.

Seriously, if I wasn’t paying attention I would have thought I accidentally put on the MTV Movie & TV Awards because that was the best performance of the year.

We cut back to the men who are about to find out Hannah is her own worst enemy. Luke tells the men that despite it being the worst one on one of the season and despite not having a rose… and despite literally being asked to leave, Luke has decided to give Hannah and him another chance.

Things are really tense going into the rose ceremony the following night and the men spend most of the evening arguing with Luke. They interrogate him on what was said during his date and how detrimental his presence has been to everyone else’s relationships.

Hannah overhears from the other room and after downing her champagne in one gulp, she enters the room and Completely. Goes. Off. TWICE.

“None of you know anything about me,” Hannah tearfully confronts all of the men. And it’s true. So much of the focus has been on what Luke has said and what Luke has been programmed to say that not a lot of men have spent time getting to know who Hannah is or at the very least what her favorite Halo Top flavor is. Mine is Chocolate Mint. And at only 320 calories, it’s no wonder its America’s favorite ice cream. But how do you get to know the men when the only one who has bothered to ask what’s going on in her Claire’s accessorized head is Chris Harrison.

The men keep complaining that everything is about Luke, but then do nothing to change it. “We’re messing this up completely,” Tyler C. tells the group as Hannah leaves the room in tears. The group agrees that all of the drama is petty and eating away at their own time with Hannah. The discussion ends with Garrett taking ownership of his petty actions. He even offers Luke an olive branch only to be thanked by a remorseless robot. The boy might not have emotions, the ability to tell the truth or respect for others, but what he lacks in all of those he makes up for in nerve.

We head into the rose ceremony and honestly after all of the animosity it feels like everyone’s head is on the chopping block. Ultimately it is Kevin, Devin and Grant who go home and they all mention how upset they are to ~lose~ to Luke. Yikes.

Next, the boys confirm my suspicion that the network severely cut the budget for travel expenses this season and head to Latvia. As the men touch down in Riga, Hannah has already started her first one-on-one in the country. With Chris Harrison. Can someone please confirm that he’s dated at least one of these Bachelorette leading ladies behind the scenes?

We spend the rest of the hour doing a mid-season recap that had most of us questioning why we (Hannah included) put up with this. We aren’t the ones with selective memory, Chris Harrison! During the last five minutes, we get a preview for the remainder of the season where we discover that Luke is the one who questions Hannah’s purity. The clip ends with Hannah calling out Luke and flipping off a car as it drives away. But, like most things that seem promising in the Bachelor franchise (RIP Rachel Lindsay and Peter Kraus), it’s probably just gonna be a big mess.

When will Luke finally be exposed? Will Hannah fire her stylist? How did I write a recap about a recap? Tune in next week! Bye, guys!

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