Sure, we all want to imagine a world where sex happens as easily and smoothly as it did with Jack and Rose in Titanic — free of embarrassing sounds and unwanted excretions — but that just isn't realistic, is it? We're here to debunk the myths and tell you every way movies have lied to us about doing the deed.
One of the most problematic things about sex that's commonly portrayed in movies is the lack of condoms. Something you never see on screen is the two characters stopping mid-foreplay to see if the other has a condom, and when a movie does show it, the process of retrieval and application usually goes down without a hitch — which is something that probably happens one out of ten times IRL. There's no accidentally tearing one and having to open another, no putting it on inside-out, and definitely no signs of it falling off and getting lost somewhere ~questionable~. But it happens... trust us.
Okay, so we know that there are restrictions of what you can show on TV — which is stupid considering male nipples are allowed be shown on screen — but it's fairly uncommon for a girl to keep her bra on while getting down to business for a few reasons. One, bras are uncomfortable at the best of times, let alone when you're rolling around between the sheets. And two, if she has her bra on, how can she get some boob action? When it comes to real life, most of the time, the bra is the first to go.
So girls are too lazy to take their bras off during sex, but they go out of their way to take off their socks? We don't know about you, but when we're about to have a quicky, the last thing we're thinking about is removing socks. It takes a lot of unnecessary time and effort and hobbling on one leg and it's just not a thing. We doubt the first thing on your mind during foreplay is to whip your socks off, is it? More socks in spontaneous sex scenes, please.
One thing movies are great at doing is taking a sexual encounter straight from a kiss to fully penetrative sex and we're sorry to break it to you, but it just doesn't happen like that — for women especially. For some gals, it takes a lot to get them completely ready to go, and if you don't take your time, it could potentially be sore or uncomfortable. If only life were as easy as a smooch and a shag! The movies seem to think it's go-time for ladies constantly, and they rarely ever show the use of lube — which for some is a must.
Let's call a spade a spade and say that queefing is a real thing and it happens to literally everyone at some point. When you're having sex, there is lots of pushing and moving and back and forth motions, so air is just bound to get trapped somewhere along the way. In movies, however, everything is nice a quiet and there's no noise other than the sound of that sweet Paolo Nutini playlist going in the background. It's not real life, so next time a spurt of air surprises you after sex — just laugh.
Something you never see in movie sex scenes is a position not doing anything for either party, so they have to stop and stumble into a new one. Most movies will only ever show sex in the missionary position, and if we're lucky, we might get a glimpse of some girl on top or doggy action. Very rarely does the first position that's tried get the job done for both people involved, but we never see the played out on-screen.
If you're a female, you know damn well what a UTI is and you know that no woman should have to experience it more than once in her life. Most sexually active ladies will know that peeing directly after sex is a must to flush out any nasty bacteria from your ~nether regions~ and avoid a UTI, so it's pretty inaccurate for movies to show both people cuddling until they fall asleep without a quick trip to the bathroom first.
From watching movies, one would easily believe that everyone loses their voices when they have sex because there's almost never any dialogue between the people involved. So how does anyone ever know how the other person is doing? Firstly, there should be some verbal consent happening before anybody gets down to anything, and secondly, it's only polite to ask if the other person is enjoying what you're doing or if some direction is needed. Lastly, how the hell are you supposed to switch positions without communicating what you want to do!? We're not mind-readers, you know.
We don't want to be graphic, but let's just say that sex isn't the neatest of acts (mess-wise), so it's pretty surprising when there's no cleanup involved in the movies. When it comes to real life, tissues are involved, condoms need to be disposed of correctly, sheets may even have to be changed, and showers definitely need to be had. It's a messy situation, so we need some tips from these movie stars on how to keep everything neat and tidy.
Next time you watch a movie sex scene, you'll be sure to notice that the first thing a woman does after is wrap a sheet around herself or sexily toss on his shirt that she's literally *swimming in* because it's so big and she's so little. So you've just been rolling around naked with this person, but now you care if they see you without your clothes on? You might look cute in that oversized shirt, but we see through your modesty, Mila Kunis.
Movies make sex look like the most romantic and intimate act ever, which it can be, if you want it to be, with certain people. But if we're being real, a lot of the time, people in our favorite flicks are sleeping with someone they barely know or have no form of emotional connection to, so a lot of eye contact just isn't realistic. As for the kissing, chances are you'll be too distracted with everything else going on and trying to breathe to lock lips for longer than three seconds at a time.
New Line Cinema
If one thing's for sure, shower sex is way more common in movies than it is in real life. What movies don't come with, however, is a warning sign for how legitimately unsafe it is for everyone involved. Slipping in the shower is bad enough alone, but throw another body into the mix and you're in for a serious injury. Have you ever had sex standing up? It's not easy, and water is not a lubricant, ladies. You've been warned.
If you're taking advice from movies, the louder the better when it comes to sex. This unrealistic expectation stems from porn and has made its way into mainstream Hollywood, which is pretty absurd. In most real-life scenarios, you'll most likely be in a situation where you have roommates, neighbors, pets, so chances are you won't feel like screaming from the rooftops. Let's not forget that iconic scene from When Harry Met Sally with Meg Ryan simulating orgasm in the middle of a restaurant. More noise does not equate to lots of pleasure.
Buena Vista Pictures
Lots of movie sex scenes take place in hotels, and it seems like an unwritten rule that you have to order room service after. We'll agree, sex does work up an appetite, but we'd bet our money on you falling asleep before you order food. In saying that, hotel room service is crazy expensive, so unless you're sleeping with Richard Gere's character in Pretty Woman, we suggest ordering pizza.
Movies make simultaneous orgasms look like the regular, but they're probably as common as a two-dollar bill. The fact is, men will tend to get to the finish line more quickly than women, but that doesn't mean either of you are doing anything wrong, syncing orgasms is just super uncommon and takes a lot of practice. Usually, it means both people really understand the other person's body and what gets 'em going. Once you and your partner are both paying attention to what the other like, you'll both get there — so don't feel bad next time you don't have a mind-blowing double orgasm.